I never liked mirrors. I never liked to look at myself. I couldn’t look at myself. From being a child who thought “I’m not like the pretty girls” growing up to a teenager “I’m not thin enough” a little older and all those thoughts are just me looking back at myself saying I’m not good enough. I was never good enough. In my head I was never the daughter my mom wanted, or the athlete my dad invested so much money into. I was scared of who I was and what I was becoming. So scared that the only way I could look at myself was though eyes that were altered. From starvation to substances to sex I looked at myself and while I hated myself I was able to see someone other than myself. Today I look at myself, I see those eyes those high eyes those tired eyes, those hungry eyes. I look at myself right in the eyes and see who I am. I see that kid that was scared and that was never good enough, but I see someone who can see past all that and know that where I am at today is far from where I was but still far from where I am going. I work on myself everyday so I can see clearly who I am and who I will become.
Discussion
It’s been 3 years and 4 months since my mother died. It’s been 4 months since I ended a 3 year long relationship that ultimately ended because I have no idea who I am. I am 21 years old with no idea what I want to be when I grow up No idea where I am supposed to fit in No idea who I’m supposed to fit in with. I have felt so lost the past 3 years with the loss of my mom and on top of that I was in this relationship that was so new to me. Here I am 3 years later still without my mom but also without my relationship. And I just want to figure out who I am and where I belong in the world.
This was beautiful. More people should be able to look at themselves and not only see who they really are, but see beyond that. Not what's just in front of us, but what we want to look like down the road.