This is coming from a first responder,
But I also want to bring light to our profession. We are the heroes far too often that do the healing and the saving, when in reality we ourselves need to be healed.
My experience as a first responder has brought me to the lowest of lows, and this is where my story begins. I have struggled with PTSD for years now. Several months ago it finally became the biggest monster in an empty room. I came home from shift like I always do but this night was different. I didn’t make dinner, I didn’t fold my uniform for the next day, I came home telling myself I didn’t want to go to work tomorrow. I went to bed early which was unusual for me. In the middle of the night I was having a night terror, full of the scenes I’ve witnessed in my career. Half awake and terrified I reached for my off duty weapon in my night stand and held it to my head. Without a second thought I pulled the trigger. I prayed it would get the images out of my head. I didn’t want feel the pain or see it anymore.
Somehow that night I had a guardian angel watching over me. I had forgotten to load my gun. I pulled the trigger and nothing happened. I fell to my floor in tears wondering why?? Questioning what I was thinking, why I was still here.
It took me a while to realize it, but I am still here to make a difference. I’m here to give a voice for first responders because we suffer in silence. Big strong heroes are not allowed to be weak. No brother or sister should suffer the ultimate pain. And if my words can keep just one officer, EMT, or fire fighter alive than my work here is done. I’m here today for a reason, and it’s to make sure no one suffers alone.
Thank you.
Wow, your guardian angel was definitely looking over you that night, it was not your time to go.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice. I cant Imagine being haunted by images of those scenes. But you’re so right, you’re here for a reason. You are making a different, and you have made a difference in so many peoples lives.
I just want to say thank you,
thank you so much for being so selfless, risking your life, and helping.
Thank you isn’t enough. But, you are incredible.
Maybe there are groups for first responders that can talk..
First off, thank you for your dedicated service!! I come from a family of LEO and Firefighters so I can somewhat relate to what it’s like in the shadows. Your guardian angel still needs you to be here on earth to do what you do best, keep people in your community safe! You’re stronger than you know! Take time for yourself to recoup, talk about it and don’t hold it in. Talk to fellow co-workers or a professional that can help you! I wish for you more good days than bad in the future! I am a CT technologist and see some bad stuff from time to time and I have to separate that from my own personal life. Not exactly the same stuff you encounter on the front line but I understand your pain! I will keep you in my prayers and pray for your 6! Best wishes!