It’s been 3 years and 4 months since my mother died. It’s been 4 months since I ended a 3 year long relationship that ultimately ended because I have no idea who I am. I am 21 years old with no idea what I want to be when I grow up No idea where I am supposed to fit in No idea who I’m supposed to fit in with. I have felt so lost the past 3 years with the loss of my mom and on top of that I was in this relationship that was so new to me. Here I am 3 years later still without my mom but also without my relationship. And I just want to figure out who I am and where I belong in the world.
I never liked mirrors. I never liked to look at myself. I couldn’t look at myself. From being a child who thought “I’m not like the pretty girls” growing up to a teenager “I’m not thin enough” a little older and all those thoughts are just me looking back at myself saying I’m not good enough. I was never good enough. In my head I was never the daughter my mom wanted, or the athlete my dad invested so much money into. I was scared of who I was and what I was becoming. So scared that the only way I could look at myself was though eyes that were altered. From starvation to substances to sex I looked at myself and while I hated myself I was able to see someone other than myself. Today I look at myself, I see those eyes those high eyes those tired eyes, those hungry eyes. I look at myself right in the eyes and see who I am. I see that kid that was scared and that was never good enough, but I see someone who can see past all that and know that where I am at today is far from where I was but still far from where I am going. I work on myself everyday so I can see clearly who I am and who I will become.