"Engaged to a man in active drug addiction." - Anonymous

For The Hayters · 2019-01-30T13:54:58.657Z

As heartbroken as I am to share this story, I have too. Almost 4 years ago, I met a man who happened to be a recovering drug addict. Shortly after starting a relationship, he relapsed and overdosed. This happened 2 more times before he was forced to get help, and began working on his recovery. I decided to stay with him, as I knew I loved this man. I saw more than just an addict, I saw a person who needed help, love, and support. 6 months into his recovery, we found out we were expecting. With as much fear as I was filled with, I couldn’t have been more excited. Growing up, there was nothing I wanted more in this world than to be a mother. I dreamed of a beautiful home, being a stay at home mom, going on vacations, just loving life. Unfortunately, as of lately, I am living my own worst nightmare. My fiancé was just shy of 3 years sober when he started back on pills. From the outside looking in, we are the most perfect family. However, behind closed doors our home is a dark, daunting place. I found the love of my life outside of our home, blue in the face and not breathing just 2 weeks ago. He overdosed. He used heroin for the first time in 3 years. I had to perform CPR on the person I couldn’t imagine my life without, while getting no response, fearing he would die right there in my arms. Luckily, he received treatment and now, here we are, both broken and lost. I keep this life of mine a secret. The mental abuse I received countless times over the past 8 months, because of his drug use, the fear of losing him, the fear of having to raise our daughter alone, and the fear of having to one day explain why she doesn’t have a dad. To know somebody loves you, but loves drugs more is such a hard reality to face. Doing everything in your power to save somebody, but finally realizing on they can save themselves is devastating. Addiction is so real, but many don’t accept what it is. I fell in love with an addict, and I know how the story goes if I ever tell anybody the life we are truly living. “ It’s your fault ” , “ you knew he was an addict ” , “ once an addict always an addict ” and countless other hurtful, awful things. I am well aware of the person I met, fell in love with, and decided to bring a child into this world with, but I had higher hopes and I’m totally broken at this point. He is fighting for his life, and I am fighting to keep myself together and hide everything that is going on from our daughter and every other person we know. I don’t know how to end this, I feel like I didn’t even say everything I want to, or need to say, but my mind is truly all over the place. I guess I’ll just say if anybody is in my position, or has been, I’m sorry. If you are an addict in active addiction, please get help. Help is out there. There are people who need you and people who love you. Life can be so beautiful.

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