As heartbroken as I am to share this story, I have too. Almost 4 years ago, I met a man who happened to be a recovering drug addict. Shortly after starting a relationship, he relapsed and overdosed. This happened 2 more times before he was forced to get help, and began working on his recovery. I decided to stay with him, as I knew I loved this man. I saw more than just an addict, I saw a person who needed help, love, and support. 6 months into his recovery, we found out we were expecting. With as much fear as I was filled with, I couldn’t have been more excited. Growing up, there was nothing I wanted more in this world than to be a mother. I dreamed of a beautiful home, being a stay at home mom, going on vacations, just loving life. Unfortunately, as of lately, I am living my own worst nightmare. My fiancé was just shy of 3 years sober when he started back on pills. From the outside looking in, we are the most perfect family. However, behind closed doors our home is a dark, daunting place. I found the love of my life outside of our home, blue in the face and not breathing just 2 weeks ago. He overdosed. He used heroin for the first time in 3 years. I had to perform CPR on the person I couldn’t imagine my life without, while getting no response, fearing he would die right there in my arms. Luckily, he received treatment and now, here we are, both broken and lost. I keep this life of mine a secret. The mental abuse I received countless times over the past 8 months, because of his drug use, the fear of losing him, the fear of having to raise our daughter alone, and the fear of having to one day explain why she doesn’t have a dad. To know somebody loves you, but loves drugs more is such a hard reality to face. Doing everything in your power to save somebody, but finally realizing on they can save themselves is devastating. Addiction is so real, but many don’t accept what it is. I fell in love with an addict, and I know how the story goes if I ever tell anybody the life we are truly living. “It’s your fault” , “you knew he was an addict” , “once an addict always an addict” and countless other hurtful, awful things. I am well aware of the person I met, fell in love with, and decided to bring a child into this world with, but I had higher hopes and I’m totally broken at this point. He is fighting for his life, and I am fighting to keep myself together and hide everything that is going on from our daughter and every other person we know.
I don’t know how to end this, I feel like I didn’t even say everything I want to, or need to say, but my mind is truly all over the place. I guess I’ll just say if anybody is in my position, or has been, I’m sorry. If you are an addict in active addiction, please get help. Help is out there. There are people who need you and people who love you. Life can be so beautiful.
it is time for you to take care of you. I understand the love for him. I have been there. There is support for families of addicts. Watching them destroy themselves is heartbreaking. Reach out to support groups. It will help you deal with the situation. Might sound corny but pray. I hit my knees in conversation with god each day. I talk to him like he is my friend. I have also found that when I change things around me change. Take care if you and your child. He has a higher power watching out for him. 🙏
I, too once loved an addict and stayed because I didn’t want to “quit” on him. but sadly, nothing we do or say will change their minds. I tried everything to get my ex to stop but then I realized I can’t want it for him, HE has to want it for himself. They have Al-Anon meetings (it’s for more than just alcoho) that I found to be pretty helpful. I didn’t stop loving him but I couldn’t stay with him. It was one of the harder things I’ve ever had to do. I also went to therapy, talking about it helps! Just know you’re not alone. You and your daughter deserve to be happy too! I pray you get it!
I’m so sorry :/. I can see both sides of this unfortunately. I’m a recovering heroin addict (I’ll have 4 Years clean in March) and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 10 years (since high school), who isn’t also a recovering addict. There were times we used together but since I got clean almost 4 Years ago, he’s gone through periods where he’s clean and periods where he struggled. Honestly the hard truth is nothing you do will make him change :(. He has to want to bad enough and he has to be willing to put in the work. Just love him and encourage him and remind him what he would leave behind if he were to die. Explain to him how your daughter wouldn’t have him at her (idk how old she is) first day of kindergarten, her graduation, her wedding.. I pray that he will see the light and make the choice to live drug free for himself and for you and your beautiful daughter <3
For so many of us, we have loved people in additive addiction more than we loved ourselves. I loved an addict once, we had a friendship that turned into sisterhood. She lived with me because her home environment was less than savory. We went to a good high school and she was an amazing athlete. An amazing athlete who hurt her knee and her addiction would only spiral from there. there is nothing most of us can say to someone who loves an addict. We have so much faith and hope and aspirations for them. We see their beauty and they’re battling an illness that we can’t comprehens as non-addicts. I waited until something horrible happened to have her move out and cut all ties. I always thought the horrible thing would happen to her. I was sick over the idea of overdose or suicide because she couldn’t bare the disease. But it was me. The horrible thing haunts me to this day, it destroyed how I view myself and how I interact. It influenced my education and how I handle romantic relationships and friendships. Finding your fiancé during that overdose must have been so hard and I am so sorry. You won’t ever stop reliving that picture. I don’t know if I have advice, but I plead with you to remember that horrible things can happen to anyone involved. your Fiancé deserves love and to live and to be disease free. But at what expense? Whose expense? Im not religious, but I am sending you every ounce of strength I have. I may not talk about this horrible thing because it’s unthinkable, but I still will always love her. Once someone is family they’re always family. choices don’t mean you love someone or dont love someone. there will always be love.
This hit home. Beautiful <3 thank you for sharing
I was in this situation 10 years ago. Met a man who swept me off my feet who was newly recovering. We had so many ups and downs from relapses to cheating. I sat up watching him sleep at night to make sure he didn't overdose from pills. I know this life. I also know that no matter what I did nothing helped. It was when I broke away from him that he got help, moved away to a new city and changed his life. We met back up and ended up having my daughter. I didn't know he was still using while I was pregnant and we weren't together just communicating for the child's sake. He is now serving 15years for drugs. He is now just realizing what he did and how it affected people. This time it was a forced sobriety, this time he can't just walk some where and grab drugs. He didn't have a choice to make to get clean the law did that for him. But let me tell you this, you need to take care of you. For yourself and for your child. It's going to hurt, you will be worrying all the time but trust me healthy boundaries is what needs to happen. There is no rock bottom if you are there to cushion his fall. I pray that you find the strength because you will need all you have to muster the courage to let him go. Let him go for himself and for you. If he wants it bad enough he will find a way to fight for it and if not there is a man who will step up and love you and your child. ❤️
I have so many people I know who struggle and have passed away from addiction. I personally keep myself at a distance from people with addiction because mentally I can not handle it. Well January 22nd I heard a loud thud coming from my neighbors house. my neighbor came screaming and banging on my back door saying her nephew was Oding in her bathroom. I had no choice but to help her and call 911 and keep her calm while walking her threw on what to do until help came. And let me tell you I've never been around anything like this and I'm beyond traumatized . Since then I have a hard time sleeping if I hear a loud thud noise I begin to panic thinking it's happening again. There is a crazy epidemic going on and only this month there has been over 100 overdoses and 10 of them being fatal. You can love someone so much but they have to want it and have the want to keep up with the help that goes with it.
First off I’d like to say how deeply sorry I am for what you are going through. I am a recovering addict clean for 2 years and my sons father has been in active addiction now currently incarcerate. i know how it feels to watch them destroy themselves
and be so angry , and cry tears that feel endless. The fear is almost paralyzing at times. its an ugly disease and it doesnt discriminate. I also know the side of feeling so helpless lost in addiction and knowing I was hurting my family and children and not being able to stop for years. Everyone has a bottom and it’s different For everyone. I pray he finds his bottom and has enough before it’s too late. I hope you’re fiancé can overcome the shame and heartache he feels. And I hope you will join suppot Groups, talk about it, grieve him not being the sober him, feel it, and love him from a distance. Always put your child and yourself before anything Else. And know that it may be dark for the night but joy will come eventually and peace is obtainable in the storm! I am praying for you❤️
This hits so close to home. I have been with my now husband for over 17 years. He used to disappear and tell me it was just drinking. I hated every minute of it but I loved him. Fast forward to getting married and having children and he tells me he has started using drugs. The drug use has gotten worse and on to more dangerous things (although they are all dangerous). I am lost and confused. I feel like I am hostage to his use because while I am trying to protect my children am I trying to hard to make sure they have the father they adore.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 11 years. Always thinking if I just stick by his side, he will get better. He didn’t. He would have a few months of sobriety and do really well and then it would get bad again. Erratic behavior, short fused. The second he started treating our son the way he had treated me, I drew a line in the sand. No matter how much you love him, you cannot change him. He has to want to change. And you need to make the decision to either raise your child in a healthy, safe environment, or stay in a relationship with an addict. you have to put yourself and your child first and be supportive from a safe distance until he makes the decision to stay clean.
Prayers for you! I have experienced addiction in different ways. First and foremost, I am a police officer. I see every single side of addiction. I know from my line of work that you cannot help someone until they are ready to help themselves. I know from my line of work, that tough love is the best love. An addict doesn’t care what they do to destroy you or anyone else, until they’re ready to fight their addiction. I know from my line of work that there is a VICIOUS cycle and that you MUST protect you and your daughter, first. I know from my personal life that sometimes cutting ties, although the hardest route, is the best route. For your own health. You cannot be the best version of yourself that your daughter needs you to be and that you need to be. You are the only person that can protect that little girl. This world is far too dark and evil for her to see her daddy like that. And as long as you allow him to be around in his current state, he will be, and she will see and not understand from a very young age. And she doesn’t deserve that, neither do you. I hope you find what you need. Reach out, don’t keep it a secret. Be the mom your daughter needs you to be and don’t forget about your own happiness!
To love an addict is one of the most difficult things. And you are incredibily strong, but i feel as though you might not feel like you are. Please remember that when he is using he is not the person you fell in love with, but regardless you will always love him and thats okay. Its okay to love him, its natural to hurt when someone is hurting themselves and then even you. What is not okay is to put your happiness and peace behind his needs. Coming from family, friends and personal experiences with addiction. This is not your fault in anyway shape or form, you have a true heart and a soul and chose to love someone despite their shortcomings. Stay strong, but remember you come first. For yourself for your child. He will make the decision ultimately himself, for now all you can do is keep peace within yourself that you have lost the one you love- but always hope in your heart that he will one day come back. Goodluck, remember you are never alone❤️
I can relate to this on a very real level. I have been surrounded by addicts most of my life. All of my partners have been addicts and my sister died in October 2018 of a heroin overdose. For me that is so odd to say because I feel like that is the first time I have officially wrote that. Currently I have been in a relationship with a man who has been clean for 3 years. In the beginning of our relationship he had just got back from a long term stay at a rehabilitation facility and was clean for 7 months. After we met he relapsed a few times, went on to programs and then on to suboxone. He now has been clean since..my point of all this is.. that this is an extremely common occurance now. But the stigma is still there. I have attended Alonon and Adult children of alcoholics. Both wonderful programs for talking it out, help and friendships. But I always felt kind of alone. I know all to well how you are feeling. My sons father who I was with for 10 years was an addict and I road out many storms with him. While pregnant and raising our son, dealt with abuse physical, mental and emotional. But I got to a point where I lost who I wanted my son to grow up with as his momsometims. So i left.... many times. But finally when I left for the last time it stuck. I liked my peace, I liked my freedom and i finally began to love myself again. I guess the point of all of this is... everyone's story is different, you can listen to advise but until you are ready inside yourself.. you will be in a limbo. And I'm not advising you to leave or stay, because that isnt for me to decide. But I commend you for loving a person with the disease of addiction because i know how hard it truly is and they are loving, kind and amazing people who have been hurt and who struggle. So my only advise is love yourself. Take care of yourself. Let your baby see you smile, let your baby know their mommy is a fighter. Because one day you will look back on this time and realize whatever happens you will be a wonderful mother and your child will be so proud of you. And never ever feel alone there is so many people out there in similar situations. I know its hard to reach out and sometimes you don't want to talk about it. But people like me and you are everywhere. So I'm opening my heart and ears if you need someone. But know you're loved. And life is beautiful. Your baby will show you that and give you a new spark. You can do it momma. Sorry for rambling. But I feel like its therapeutic for me as well. LOVE ALWAYS WINS. 💗
I was in a relationship with an addict for 8 years. We have two children. I saw him before/during the addiction. And unfortunately drugs always came before the kids and I. The most important thing is to listen to family or any outsider who tries to tell you warning signs. I had hope. I had faith. I was always a giver and wanted what was best for him even if that meant giving up myself and my happiness. He tried going to meetings. Tried to take medicine for his anxiety and depression. Look for signs and BELIEVE in your gut. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! Many times I confronted him and his addiction when I had the proof and I still believed him over the proof. Family told me many many times to get the kids and leave. Family warmed me he was going to hurt me if I stayed. But again, I wanted what was best for him and I wanted to be his hero and help him and save him. Until one day I faced death. Until the day his hands were wrapped around my neck. The best advice I could give is listen to yourself.One thing to remember is you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. They need to make the choice themself to be a better person, to choose life over an addiction. They need to be willing to change and until that day comes, the addict will stay an addict. They will continue to hurt you. They will continue to choose drugs. Family will always come last. You can try and try and try to help them but it will never work if they don’t want the help themselves. It starts from within. I stayed for so long because I grew up in a broken household and I wanted my children to grow up it’s two parents. I let myself go. I forgot who I was as a person, as an individual, as a women, because I gave all I had into trying to fix him. I lost myself. I stayed until he tried to kill me with our kids in the house. Once I got a chance to run and escape I did just that. And I wish I would have listened to family who warned me it would come to this instead of trying to fix what was broken.