The unknown

The unimaginable is not just in the movies, it's real life, my life. I grew up differently then most my mom was unmarried, hardly worked and struggled with addiction, my father was absent. We grew up in a chaotic environment, different men, drugs, abuse, many things I seen and knew of before I was even 10. You would think seeing what drugs do to a family would have kept me from doing them, well I wish that were true, but I became a meth addict by the age of 13. I was on the streets my whole teen life, I was raped at 13, pregnant by 17, no education and a life upside down. I didn't get it, I knew I wanted a better life but I knew no way to make that happen. You would think there would have been an easier way my life could have been changed but when you choose to run with a racist crowd as I did there were not many good outcomes to my madness. That's right I was a racist piece of crap junky who made enemies which eventually led me to getting my 8 month old daughter taken from me by CPS (to be clear at this time I was sober and back in school). After losing my daughter I went back to getting high, I began to spiral out of control, I was homeless and was at my absolute worst. That wasn't the worst, the worst was during this time I became pregnant (which I discovered 5 months into) and I could not stop using, I was ingesting methamphetamine into my body in turn I was allowing my unborn child to be subjected to my drug use. Yeah, I know the words that are going through your head trust me I have called myself every name in the book, I know I was low I will never deny that. To speed up this story I delivered my daughter in September 2004, she was taken by CPS from hospital and I was escorted to jail in cuffs. A few days later miraculously a bed needed to be filled at the Ranch recovery center and a friend who was looking out for me got ahold of me and I was there that night September 26th 2004. I have never looked back my daughter I delivered addicted was returned to me (after alot of hard work) 18 months later, I was early released from felony probation in 2007. 2009 I married my husband William, I have 3 children whom live with me, I went back to school got my GED in 3 months and in 2013 got my associate's degree and in 2017 my bachelors degree. I was suprisedly found by my oldest daughter in November of 2017 and we are now reconnected, I made a decision to sell my Michigan home pack up my 3 children and husband and move back to California to be closer to my daughter now 16. My daughter whom was born addicted, thrives she is amazing and talented and holds high honors in school despite the issues she has faced physically due to my incompetence. All my 4 children are amazing because of them I am a changed woman. I am now currently in college for my master's in addiction counseling. I plan to use my life and my struggles to help others in recovery from addiction, abuse and mental health disorders. This post wasn't to gain any sympathetic responses but time after time I have been doubted or knocked because of the person I was, that person is not who I am today, and i will not let my past define my future. I made horrible choices, ran with horrible people and had ignorant beliefs, none of which I would ever support or be a part of today. Please understand me when I say anything in life is possible if you want it, I am doing big things with my life despite my past so all is possible. Never give up.

I grew up not knowing my dad, so from a very young age I felt broken. My mom was a single mom of 2 & until I was 12 I thought she was doing a great job. Then I released she was doing anything & everything to numb the pain. Leaving us home alone to go drink, or do drugs. To leave us “ to go to work”, that wasn’t always the case. My mom was and still is an addict. My mom was never around, and if she was she was high on something. I can’t blame everything on my mom, but she played a big roll in my addictio. I moved out and got through high school barely but I did it. Then life hit me, & I began this down word sprile. Meeting a boyfriend that would change my life for ever. For the next 3 years I fell into being a pill addic, doing what ever I had to for the next high. My mom fed in to my addiction, she helped me get what ever it was that I wanted. I went to jail, got out and went right back to living that life. When I got away from that life and started to change I was so over ran with my feelings, that after 2 months clean i went right back to it for another year. Then I met the man that changed my life for ever. I stopped Everything all over and finally I was done, found out I was pregnant and stepped away from that life for good. My husband and my daughte changed my life, I realized that being sober was a better life. Raising my daughter and giving her a life I never had was the bestthing I ever did. I got and stayed clean. Now at 5 years clean I can say I way happier then I ever been.

Titles are a funny thing. We tend to give ourselves our own titles depending on what stage of life we are in or what activity we are participating in that day. People also tend to project titles on us at work, at home, behind our backs whether positively or negatively. Growing up "heroin addict" wasn't a title I thought myself or the world would ever give to me. But by 18 years old that's exactly what I was, a full blown heroin addict. My story isn't unusual or shocking or all the things someone who doesn't understand addiction would associate with the title, "heroin addict." In fact, aside from my divorced parents I lived a pretty normal, suburban childhood. I went to good schools and had every opportunity to succeed. I later realized that while everything on the outside may have looked picture perfect, inside I was struggling. Struggling with self-esteem, poor choices in relationships, feelings of not fitting in EVER, feelings of failure, etc. I drank alcohol alcoholically until I found cocaine. That began my downfall. When the cocaine stopped working, I was offered heroin. The first time I tried heroin I didn't even know what I was using. When people say addicts "choose" to be addicts they don't understand this part. The first time I tried heroin (after vomiting my guts up) I immediately felt better. I felt like the weight of the world that I was carrying left me. I felt like I wasn't a scared, insecure little girl anymore. I felt better. I chased that feeling of "feeling better" for years. By the time I was 20 I found myself in my first detox. Not understanding what I was really up against and the disease that had a hold on me I gave recovery no real effort. I vowed to give up heroin but couldn't possibly think of giving up alcohol before my 21st birthday let alone for the rest of my life. I turned 21 in November 2007 and was already fully back into my old ways. In January 2008 I was on a plane out of Philadelphia to Florida for rehab. When they asked me if I wanted to go to Florida or Minnesota my only thought was, "if I fail and end up homeless at least Florida is sunny and warm." I did fail. But on April 23, 2008 I surrendered. I no longer give myself the title "heroin addict" but rather "person living in long term recovery." With the opiate and opioid overdose crisis that we are facing everyone wants to believe that it is possible to recover. I am living proof. Since that day I surrendered I have not used a drink or a drug. I am not a junkie. I am a productive member of society. If you saw me dropping off my daughter for kindergarten you would never know my past. I graduated college in recovery. I became a therapist in recovery. I found a husband and got married in recovery. I had 3 beautiful daughters (3 c-sections) in recovery. Life isn't always rainbows and butterfly's. I have experienced heart ache, break ups, lost friendships, job failures, death and funerals all while staying sober. There is no reason I should be alive let alone living a beautiful, chaotic, messy, and spiritual life. There is a reason I am still standing. There is a reason why I refuse to be anonymous and want to live my recovery out loud. We all need hope, we all need a purpose. God has inspired me to be the hope and to help others. I have dedicated my life and work to it. We will overcome the overdose crisis. I will continue to do my part to the best of my ability to put God first, my husband, my children and live for helping others. The more people I have been able to help the more they have helped me. I am grateful, I am hopeful, I am a person living in long term recovery. For more realness and inspiration, you can follow my personal blog at https://familyfellowshipandthefrenchfrystore.wordpress.com/2019/01/ Thanks for letting me share.