There is light in the dark

It’s about what you do when no ones watching. Cliche yes but that’s the mentality I have always had. I am not a natural at anything from school to athletics to even looks I would describe myself as extremely good at being slightly above average. I used to wish to find my calling find that place where I can excel and be noticed. For years I forced myself into the thoughts of not being good enough. I know that I may not be smart enough to go to medical school or athletic enough to be a professional athlete or good looking enough to be famous. Sounds harsh but I am reality . Here’s the thing I have a mentality that most people don’t have I have so much fight in me that I will do whatever it takes to be the best version of myself. That’s all done behind closed doors. My semi above average skills with an above average mentality.

I have this theory or motto or rant about life. There is a little backstory to this and it took some time to come up with but in its simplest form I will call it the 24 hour theory.  There are times more often than not, where life doesn't go the way I planned, the way I have been envisioning, the way I was lead on to believe. No matter how good of a person I am, no matter what I do, I have no power over anything other than myself, and the way I adapt to life. So when life happens and I begin to feel feelings, I create thoughts and those thoughts lead to actions.  How long do I allow those feelings to flood my entire being? I say 24 hours, I will give myself 24 hours to feel all the feelings, think all the thoughts and act in the most rational way, without being irrational, a little self control can go a long way, in those 24 hours, but as long as I remember 24 hours later it is over I can keep myself in check.  It is a new day, no matter how big or small weather it’s a headache or a heartbreak, I felt it, I thought on it, I acted on it and then 24 hours will start again and I go on living.

Last night I got an unexpected phone call from Larry (my dad). For those of you that don’t know him, he is the sweetest, funniest, and loving man there is. He was also diagnosed with PPA 2 years ago. Primary progressive aphasia is a type of frontotemporal dementia, it’s a rare disease that affects your ability to communicate. He called me to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day; but for him, a simple call like that takes a long time, as sometimes he can’t find the words to get his point across. Throughout the entire call, I was trying to not break down in tears because of how badly my heart felt. It served as a reminder of what this disease is doing to him, and how I’m losing my father. After I hung up the phone I quickly broke down. And for a while. The reason I am telling you this is not so you can feel bad for me, or so you can sympathize with my situation. But because I know a lot of people look up to how I live such a positive life, and take things and make them as best as I can. And I want you to know that it’s okay to break down sometimes. That it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be angry that things aren’t fair. Even if you’re conditioned to think you have to be strong for others. You have to allow yourself to have your moments of weakness, bc in them comes the strength you find to continue living for others. Just don’t let the bad days outweigh the good, because life really is too short for that.❤️