"My story begins when I was born into a home with severe domestic violence, though I will not go into to much detail there were numerous occasions where my mom would end up in the hospital. Everyone in our family knew what was going on but no one protected me or my brother and they continued to let it happen. My mom was hospitalized when my dad threw her off of our two story deck, I was then told to lie and say that she fell down the stairs. My dad held a gun to my mom's head in front of me when I was probably 4 or 5 years old. We had to leave the house in the middle of the night and hide in a ditch until the police could find where we were located and pick us up. This was before cell phones so we had to call them then leave the house in hopes they would find us. I would go stay at my grandparents and when my mom would come and pick me up her face would be bruised and swollen. This was a normal day in my childhood. Once someone asked me if my dad was abusing my mom and I did not understand what they meant, they asked again.. does your dad hit your mom. I told the truth. My uncle happened to over hear me tell someone and at 8 years old I was told to shut my fucking mouth I was a lying bitch. I think this alone would cause issues later on in life as it has for me, but on top of that I was being sexually abused by my older brother.
My brother was only two years older than me. The abuse started when I was 4 and he was 6 and it went on until he went into middle school and learned about sexual education. After that it stopped. I did not tell anyone that I was sexually abused until I was 24 years old. I was newly married (1 year) and just had my first child. It was Christmas Eve and the abuse was at the forefront of my mind, as i was driving over a bridge I thought to myself how easy it would be for me to drive off. I had my daughter in the car with me. THIS WAS MY WAKE UP CALL. I realized then I had to tell someone about the abuse. I told my husband but could not tell him who or any details. Leading up to me disclosing the abuse, my husband and I had grown apart, after I had my daughter something triggered me and I went into a deep depression. I have since learned through counseling that things like having a baby can trigger emotional trauma from your past, especially if you have been keeping it a secret for many years. It took me a full year to tell my husband and my mother that it was my brother who abused me. I still have a relationship with my brother today. I want to give a little back story on that. When I disclosed the abuse to my mom and my husband they believed me. Telling my mother was the hardest thing I could ever do, I have two children myself and can not imagine the pain she must have felt knowing what was going on under her own roof and she did not know and did not help me.I told some other family members but did not disclose it was my brother because I felt that it would cause to much harm. They did not believe me. My grandmother even went as far to tell me that I had been brain washed. But a second cousin reached out and said that she heard through family gossip that I had been sexually abused, it was then that she told me that my grandmother's sisters husband had sexually abused all the boys in the family and that her brother had recently killed himself after a long road of addiction and getting into trouble with the law. He had been self coping all of these years. After he disclosed the abuse 3 other male cousins came out and said they were sexually abused too, they also named my brother as being one of the children that were abused. So that my friend is how a 6 year old can know how to sexually abuse their little sister. I always knew in my heart that my brother was not an evil person, that he did not do what he did to harm me. He did to me what was done to him. I have since talked to my brother about the abuse very briefly, I thought that it would help take away the pain I deal with but I only found out that he lives with alot of pain and self hatred. He seems so put together and like trauma of our childhood has not affected him, but it has. I have been in counseling now for 8 years. I begin a new journey next week of starting EMDR therapy in hopes that it will help heal the trauma from the past. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, major depressive disorder, and PTSD. But I am a fighter and with the help of others around me I no longer have suicide idealization.
Today I am a senior in college about to graduate in May with my Bachelors of Social Work. I have taken the pain of my childhood and I have used it to educate myself in hopes of helping other children who have been sexually abused. The stigma of childhood sexual abuse, and especially incestuous abuse is what keeps people quiet. Throughout this journey I have met so many others that have been through childhood sexual abuse and have not gotten help because of that stigma. So by telling my story which I have little by little to people close to me I hope that I can reduce that stigma. I hope to make an impact on society somehow whether big or small to know that you are more than what has been done to you."