Growing up I was sheltered, home schooled my entire life, I never saw the inside of a public or privet school my entire life, my graduation was done on a Sunday during a church servic...if you can even call it that. Church for me growing up was in a persons basement or in a park. wierd I know. As I got older I began to be uncomfortable in my own skin, I knew I was always different. Then my family and church got into a program ran by this man named Bill Gothard. He runs a homeschool group that is called the institute in basic life principles (iblp). While going through this program growing up I was taught to serve a man hand and foot, to be submissive to my father until he gives me away to my future husband. That woman were not to work outside of the home but to be homemakers and take care of the kids and to take care of her husband cause woman were made to be servants. Growing up this bothered me, and I found myself attracted to woman. My parents then sent me away to live in Spring Creek Pennsylvania on a horse ranch, Baptist denomination faith. And because I was from Detroit they automatically thought I was a trouble maker. So for 6 years I had the luxury of being labeled a extreme case. During these 6 years I worked hard and got my degree in arts of photography. I learned how to make a home for my future husband. Learning to make meals, clean a home, be a “godly” woman to submit myself to my future husband. Learning to be ready at all times for his needs. That marriage rape was ok and that he was the authority figure and no matter what I had to be ready. After 6 years I got the all clear to go home, back to Michigan, I was never so unsure of things in my life at that time. Then I met Brad. He was a good guy up until I said “I do”. Now we did not wait until marriage to have sex, I got pregnant with twins, he got hooked on crack, heroine, I before I got pregnant was hooked on heroine because of him. Then I found out I was pregnant and I stopped cold turkey and I’ve been clean since. 10 years ago my life started to change, in July of 2009 I never felt pain like I did that day, I lost my babies, and he was nowhere to be found, I was in my second trimester shopping at Walmart for baby things and I went to use the bathroom and was rushed to the hospital. Fast forward to a year later and signing divorce papers, then I met my first girlfriend, things were great yet again till she laid her hands on me and kept laying her hands on me, then brought another girl home to live with us, while I worked she was busy loving her, so I stayed till the lease was up. Then I met my ex wife who wasn’t sure what she wanted and wasted 3 years of my life and broke me. I loved her more then life itself, I love our boys that we were raising together as a family. But I wasn’t enough for her, I was never enough for anyone. Moved to South Carolina after meeting someone who promised to never hurt me never leave me no matter what, welp that was a lie, and that was my breaking point, I lost it and I took a knife to my wrist that night, and traumatized her, I feel awful for it, I cut bone deep, when I went to the hospital the doctor looked at me and said all I see is sadness in your eyes and hurt and pain, she said you’ve had a hard life and now it’s time for you to start healing, walked 5 miles home...I called one of my friends down there and she come and got me half way to my house, as soon as I walked in the door it was pack your shit and leave. She told me she just tolerated me so I can pay the bills so she had a place to live. She was seeing someone else while with me, so I rented a car and packed what I could in the car and drove home 12 hours with my puppy crying, blasting music, it’s been 2 years and I’m still hurting...I still struggle get out of bed in the morning, I still want to kill myself cause I feel like I’m a burden to people. I work and make ends meet. The only thing saving me right now is my love for photography and music.
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