I grew up in a "normal" family, at least that's what it looked like from the outside looking in...I had siblings & parents that were still together. Growing up I knew there wasn't something right with my dad, I was too young to understand for a long time, I didn't really know what depression & bipolar disease really was. I was around 14 when I started catching on to what it can do. At that young age I witnessed my dad's first suicide attempt, i witnessed him telling me he was going to kill me out of anger. I witnessed him being physically and emotionally abusive to me. I spent many years terrified of him, terrified what he was capable of doing to me, and to my family. In a way, we all lived in fear. I started to hate him, I started to resent him, I started telling him to just kill himself already and to do me a favour and to get out of my life. At 17 I found my love for alcohol and drugs I was getting drunk and high all the time to forget what was going on in my life. I got myself into a really bad relationship, I wasn't taking care of myself, I was failing myself. When I was 18 I came out to my family, and lost over half of them because they didn't agree with my "decision" and I wasn't allowed around a lot of my family because I was a "bad example". At 19, I decided to move away from everyone and everything I knew to try and better my life. When I left my dad told me he was proud of me, and that was the first time I had ever heard him say it to me. I was gone for a month when I got the call that my dad had committed suicide. Fast forward to today, I'm still dealing with feeling so much guilt from not helping my dad, for being so clueless and careless on the way he was feeling and the battles he was facing. I was able to overcome my addictions of alcohol and drugs, but I feel like I'll never be able to forgive myself for not being able to help someone who felt so helpless.
Lost.
My father is also Bipolar and currently in a psyc ward for the second time in two months. Although I do not know what it is like to have a parent commit suicide, I do know how hard it is to maintain a relationship with someone who continues to make poor decisions. I am forced to handle the situation and also take care of my mother who is emotional unable to deal with the difficulties of caring for my father who she has been married to for 32 years. When my dad got sick when I was 16 I could not understand why this happened. He completely became another person and till this day in my head, I felt like I lost my father 12 years ago although he is still here. The pat 5 years I have resented him and his poor decision making. We have completely lost our relationship and although I try to be understanding that he has a sickness, there are just some decisions and choices he made that are unforgivable. Please don't blame yourself or feel guilty for not helping him. Dealing with mental illness and bipolar in particular is more difficult then some people can understand. Trust me I have wanted to help my dad for years, but I struggle with how to do that. I can't imagine or pretend I know exactly how you feel, but please know helping someone with bipolar is easier said then done and especially behind closed doors. At the age of 19 you are still growing, learning, maturing and trying to find who you are as a person and sometimes we need to do that for ourselves instead of take on the pain and burdens around us. I hate that this happened to you and your family and I know the feeling of guilt probably destroys you because I'm 28 and it still destroys me, but this was not and never will be your fault and I hope you can see that!
I am happy you were able to overcome your drug and alcohol addiction. And I hope you become found. I empathize with you and had unfortunately had to similar experiences in my life. Its hard to overcome but know you’re health and sobriety are ultimately the only things you have control over. You can try to help everyone else but they are in control of their future and destiny. I pray you find the light, love and peace in your life.