"My cup is empty but i have to keep pouring into my family's cups." - Anonymous

For The Hayters · 2019-01-24T00:42:15.886Z

Ive typed out the things I wanted to say three times. Three times I've deleted it.... idk if it's fear or shame or both... I'm an adult survivor of abuse. An adult child of an alcoholic & I've broken the cycle. I'm a mother in a blended family... this beautiful family of 6, with close coparenting that we've all worked so hard to obtain. & I'm terrified that I'm fucking it all up. I haven't discussed this outside my immediate family.... I recently learned that my youngest son was being sexually abused... we took all the necessary steps legally & began therapy for my son. The case is now closed & He seems to be moving along with ease & while I should probably be grateful, I'm terrified. I'm afraid of what we haven't seen yet. I'm afraid my tears are what stops my sweet boy from discussing his feelings with me. I'm afraid that my children of, my now broken home will grow to resent me for protecting my boy so fiercely... I'm afraid my sadness will push away my husband.... but mostly, i'm afraid that this abuse will change my son in such a way that he can't recover in his adult life. I fear for his future relationships... I fear that we'll never be the same. I'm afraid that when he stands on the playground with all his friends, he feels different. I think that's the worst part of it all... knowing I cant fix it for him. There's no erasing it, no taking it away. All the professionals that I've spoken to keep telling me that my family isn't alone. They say "this type of thing happens often" & as sickening as it is, I was glad to hear it bc it meant there was potentially another family that was healing & possibly I could learn from that family... but I keep looking and I find none. I am alone. My cup is empty but i have to keep pouring into my family's cups. I just don't know how to talk about it... idk where to look. Thanks for reading.

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