Parenting

When I was little my mom and i lived with my grandma, grandpa, uncles, and aunt. 2 bedroom house yet we all made it work. I rarely saw my mom she would be out or sleeping at my dads apartment. I was always home alone since the age Of 2. When my dad started coming around More he’d stay home with me or take me to school. Which usually meant he’d sleep in and I missed that day. He always was angry and super abusive. But it wasn’t until my parents moved in together that he started to molest me. I was 4 I think. Every time he had a day off I would stress and feel uneasy. every morning he’d come in my room to wake me up and lay with me. that went on until I was 13. I remember one time I came home from a softball game and he was home. I locked the door to take a shower and he frantically banged on the door to open it and when I did he insisted on “helping me ” Shower. He said if I ever locked the door again I’d be in trouble. One time my mom had me go on a trip with him to Iowa for some “father daughter time”. That’s when the worst happened. at 13 I finally musturd up the courage to tell my mom about what was going on. They were going through a separation and I’m not going to lie I egged them on so it would go faster. When I told my mom she had my dad come over and talk. he begged for forgivenes. At the end of it he whispered in my ear “ you let it all happen. You knew what you were doing”. Those words haunt me. He hit me so much growing up, verbally abused me, molested me. And even with knowing all that my mom still slept with him still chase after Him. Still loved him.... I felt alone, not safe. And later in my life realized it ruined how I viewed myself. I was obsessed with comparing myself to others, obsessed with the past, always angry. I became a teen mom at the age of 16. Then had another at 18. Both in toxic relationships and deadbeats. I felt sorry for myself and many times wished I could just end my life. i later found out my mom was also raped by her own father. And the fucked part is we still see him. We still celebrate his birthday. And she still does anything for him. I’ve cut my dad out of my life and tried cutting my mom Off. But she wants to be part of the kids life. She’s apologized so many times. I let her be there but I don’t forgive her. I don’t think I ever will. I’m married now with three babies. And my husband is super amazing and supportive. But I can’t say I didn’t put him through a lot. He was there for all my introspective cleansing. All the tears, all the screams. I’ll forever be broken. And thoughts of all of it will forever haunt me... and I’m just now learning to accept that. I am a way better parent than they will ever be no comparison! and Thats something i celebrate. Breaking the cycle.