On August 26 I was heading home. The cop car that arrived at my house passed by me.... that's the only funny part. When I got home the officers wanted to do a welfare check on my roommate, me and him had been best friends since I was 14. I said "Yeah sure, no problem." I went up the stairs like it was nothing, thought he forgot he had work, thought his headphones were to loud to hear them knocking. I opened the door and I saw him lying on the floor, blood was everywhere and my shotgun was on the ground next to him. I only jumped when the officer got in my line of sight and it broke me out of my trance. I really was in disbelief, I couldn't believe it. I'm a corrections officer, I've dealt with suicides before, this was different, this was my friend, my brother. It wasn't in a cell it was in my home, I couldn't believe what happened. He showed no signs but none really do, I notified who I thought should know and got a ride to my friends house to stay till my mom came and got me, all this was after 11 p.m. I kept blaming myself for weeks, kept saying it was my fault, my gun was used in my home, took the life of my brother. I had to accept it for what it is. As a first responder it is hard to deal with a suicide, as a friend who finds them, it's unbearable I loved him like a brother, and now he's gone. And all I ever asked is why?
September 2008 (18 y/o)- I fell in love with a girl & started my first “same sex relationship“ & I finally felt happy & like MYSELF. my Mom found out (the girls mom found out & came busting in my home telling my mom she found text messages & then left after cussing me & belittling me. My mom handled it WAY BETTER than I imagined. Yes she cried for a couple hours, cried & prayed. Then she stopped grabbed me & held me forever saying “baby girl I’ll love u forever I’ll never turn my child away- we have to love as Jesus would & he loves u too.“ she truly was my best friend. i Love her 10000000x more for that hug & those words. Unfortunately my dad who lived 2 hours away reacted the complete opposite. she called to tell him he hung up on her after making it clear SHE ruined my life & failed as my mother. He then called me & said NOTHING except “is this bullshit true”.. crying I said “yes sir” dead silence for what seemed forever. I cried & apologized & begged him to say something. He hung up on me. After that night I only got closer to my mom & didn’t say or hear from my dad & my dads family for 3 years. July 25, 2011-that Friday morning, I got the phone call I have dreaded my whole life. My mama had passed away in her sleep. Her battle with leukemia was finally over after 16 years. I couldn’t have been more heartbroken. i Lost my best friend my mom my only parent I had in my life. That afternoon my DAD calls ME! i immediately cry my eyes out when I hear his voice. He came to the visitation & I seen my “other family” for the first time. few Years later (2014) I still hadn’t coped with losing my mom. I had an amazing girlfriend & life. But I started taking pills. A lot! Anything I could get. I drank from 10am til I passed out drinking cases of beer at a time. I couldnt hold a job & pushed everyone away I could. My girlfriend wanted me to see someone to get help. I was then diagnosed with bipolar depression, anxiety & OCD. I’ve been on & off all kinds of medicine. When the medicine wouldn’t work I’d turn back to drugs & alcohol. its been a battle within my own mind and heart for YEARS & I’m just now this year 2019, getting sober & taking the right medication For my mental illnesses. I’m still a complete mess on the inside, I still am learning how “to be sober” & learning to basically live again. I’m slowly excepting my mom being gone even after 8 years & it’s the most difficult thing im currently doing. I don’t really have much of a relationship with my family, I can’t forgive them for turning me away & only coming back around bc “I lost my mom”. If she were still alive I never would have heard from my dad & family. I have tons of battles I’m fighting & it’s just beginning. Turning ur back on ur kids DOES mentally fuck them up. I want to forgive my dad bc that’s what my mom would want me to do. Butttt that’s gonna take a lot of time & praying. But she knows I’m stubborn lol. I pray for any person dealing with this kind of hate & hurt, parents are supposed to love u unconditionally, but my dad obviously had conditions. My mom taught me how to love like Jesus would & well my dad taught me how not to parent! Keep fighting & loving♥️✌🏽🇺🇸