"My dad died 2 months ago. He had cancer, and it was expected, but still unbelievable at times. And I just had a baby in July. He lived far away and so I would send pics of her to him via text. Now every time I take a cute pic of my baby girl, my instinct is still to add him to the group text. And that’s when it stings the most. Just now I had that feeling, and I almost sent it, just to see if anyone had his old number yet, and to see what i’d get back, if anything. I’ve heard of people doing this- texting or leaving voicemails for their loved ones that died. I get it now.
I also ran across some pics of all of us from thanksgiving 2017-and I wasn’t expecting the crushing, suffocating grief that i’d Feel. It was so heavy that I couldn’t allow myself to feel it. The baby was crying, my 3 year old was shouting for my attention, and my husband was just walking through the door. So I bottled it up and put it back inside. But it’s there. And i want to keep it to myself, almost selfishly, because I literally have no time for myself in any other aspect of my life. So I keep this grief monster- it’s like Stockholm syndrome- it’s killing me, but I don’t want it to leave and I don’t want anyone to know about it- I’m protecting it. I will get through this. I’m confident of that. But for now, I’m just letting it burn. "