My story is a sad one. I live everyday with a piece of my heart missing. Everyday is a struggle. I have gone through something in my life that has forever changed me as a person. Something that no parent should ever have to go through. My son was only 16 months old when he died. It all began in April 2011. My boyfriend (now husband) and I found out we were expecting. We were so excited! Both of us had always dreamt of becoming parents one day. Fast forward to November 2011, our son was born 2 months early..our lives turned upside down.. he was born with many birth defects. He spent the first 7 months of his life in the hospital. Countless surgeries... countless procedures... so many tears.. so many sleepless nights.. times where we thought he wouldn’t make it. But i never gave up hope. I stayed as strong as a possibly could being the voice for my son... making sure he had the very best care possible. Those 7 months were some of the hardest, most trying months of my life. Eventually he was able to come home with us. Not the normal way you usually get to take a baby home with you. He was on a ventilator, had a feeding tube, needed 24/7 nursing care. Everyday was a struggle but the strength and spirit of that little boy was the most amazing thing to see. Always had a smile on his face regardless of all the challenges. He over came so much.. he did so many things the doctors said he wouldn’t do. My son showed me and taught me so many life lessons in the short time he was here with us. Then came the day that forever changed our lives.. March 17th 2013, St. Patrick’s day. My son was rushed to the hospital and I watched helplessly as countless doctors and nurses tried to save his life. He was to far go and there was nothing they could do. I held his lifeless body for hours hoping that it was all a bad dream.. hoping he would wake up. I remember leaving the hospital thinking to my self, my life is over.. how will I ever survive this? life without him had no meaning. The days that followed were all a blur..the nights trying to sleep were the worst. Flash backs of the night he died haunted me every time I closed my eyes.. these images I wish I could eraser from my memory but as hard As I tried I couldn’t get rid of them. Every day was a struggle. I would just relive that night over and over again. I was miserable but somehow life went on.. and As time went on I learned to bury my feelings and put on the facade of being so strong but deep down I was dying. My sadness was hiding behind my smile. I know now that I should of went to Therapy but I didn’t. All these years I have locked away all these horrible memories and emotions, hiding from the reality of losing my beautiful baby boy. Again fast forward to August 2017..I gave birth to another beautiful baby boy...Born without any complications and perfect in every way. He is my world and I couldn’t love him more. But i can’t help but think how unfair it is that my sons will never meet each other....how will I ever begin to explain to my son how special his brother was? I know he is too young now but I know the questions will come one day and I have no idea how I will handle it. Even now when people see me with my son and they ask “is he ur first baby?” My response is “yes he is” because how do you tell a stranger “well no actually my first son died so technically he is my second baby”. every I am faced with this conversation my heart breaks all over again. I have to lie about his existence so I don’t create an awkward moment. And I hate it!!! I’m angry.. still so angry!!! I miss him. I think it is finally time for me to face all these painful memories head on and find other out there with similar stories. Maybe it will help and maybe it won’t but it’s worth a shot right? Better late than never
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