For several years of my life, I had a ruminating thought that would fill my entire head all day, "I'm a lesbian." It drove me crazy, I became obsessed and I couldn't drown the thought out. I had a boyfriend at the time. For four years. I told him everything, so I told him about this thought, when I built up the courage. He told me he would explore that thought with me. What did that mean? It meant that in he would get to experience me and another women in the bed together. Wasn't this selfish, I thought. Yes. Of course. I told him I needed to explore the thought by myself for myself. He told me that he loved me and would be there for me regardless. Over time and thousands of times hearing the same thought in my head, life began to change dramatically and not because of the exploration of my sexuality, but I got pregnant. Did I want my boyfriend to be the father of my first born? Was I responsible enough to have and raise a child? Did I feel comfortable in my own skin to raise a baby properly and as a proud individual and woman? The answer was NO. Getting pregnant was my way out of a relationship that was so unfulfilling and it was the door I needed to walk through to get to know myself for all that I am. It was a door that allowed me to enter an unfamiliar world of people who dated individuals of the same sex, a place very uncomfortable at first and a place I didn't want to ever fit in to. Fast forward, I met my first girlfriend New Years Eve 2018. Her name is Jess and she is 5.5 years younger than me. Jess ignited a fire in me that never existed. She made me feel like I could express my sexuality with no judgement, she made me feel loved, sexy, beautiful, funny and she tried so hard to make me feel comfortable and OK with our relationship. Things were long distance at first. In fact, we always joked that we lived in each others phones. We would text all day and stay up for hours on end talking about anything and everything. It felt freeing, it felt intoxicating, we were so connected on so many levels. We told one another that we loved each other over the phone. It was intense. It felt like a rush every time. She finally came home and I decided to ask her to be my girlfriend. But for some reason, I developed a gut feeling that she wasn't supposed to be in my life as an intimate partner. The feeling never went away and it became my new rumination. A thought that replaced "I'm a lesbian." It was unbearable - I was being dishonest to myself and to her...But I wanted to fall in love with her because she is an amazing person and checked every box I wanted in a life partner. So I would tell myself I loved her and she was supposed to be in my life as a girlfriend, but that thought was dishonest and made me feel sick. And then I'd go back to she's not supposed to be in my life, that made me feel relieved bc it was the truth. After months of ruminating and spending countless hours and weekends with her, I finally broke down and the truth all came out. I needed to be honest with her and myself bc I stopped eating, felt depressed, couldn't keep food down, was unproductive at work and downright felt totally helpless like life had no purpose. It wasn't me. I had never been sad or lied to someone else. I realized it was a co-dependence. I was so used to her and the love she gave to me that I tried to convince myself I was in love with her so that I could find that great love I'd always dreamt of. We broke things off and I was severely depressed, went on medication, took about a month for it to work in my system and finally came out the other side OK, but not great. Fast-forward I would tell myself and my friends that I tried the girl thing and it wasn't going to be my long term, that I would be with a man and sleep with women to fulfill my sexual desires. I was giving myself an answer, trying to tell myself what my future would hold, what gender would be with me intimately as my life partner, just because of one female who made me uncomfortable simply because she wasn't right for me, not because of her being a girl. After countless therapy sessions, I told myself I won't have the answer and that I'll do and be with whoever makes me feel happy and fulfilled regardless of gender, race or creed. That I would be with the person who makes me happy, because love is genderless and love is love.
We encourage you to contribute to – or even start – a conversation with others; to share your story here in an effort to help others feel related to, and, conversely, to gain the support you may be longing for. If even just one person could be reminded that they are not alone in this world, we’d consider this a success.
We understand that telling your story may be hard, especially in a public forum. If you’re someone who would like to share your story, but remain private, please email us at email@example.com. We will post your story through our ‘For The Hayters’ profile, so that you may share with full anonymity. You know your story matters; We know so, too.