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YOUR STORIES
For The Hayters
Jan 24, 2019

"Why am I still scared to just be bold and put it all out there?" - Anonymous

I am a 31 year old mother of two absolutely brilliant kids. My life hasn't exactly been all sunshine and rainbows; I've had my fair share of heartbreak, but after reading so many stories on here, I definitely feel fortunate to have had the life I have had so far. 

 

Just as a little back story to who I am, I thought I'd start with some basics. I am one of 5 kids and the youngest. My parents got divorced when I was 5, and we lived with my amazing mother full time. We saw my dad on the weekends when he wasn't working and kept an okay relationship with him. He was a doctor and worked stupid hours, so to say that it was weird not having him live at home with us would be a lie. I didn't feel like there was much adjusting to do when it came to their divorce - until he got remarried. My stepmom had 5 kids of her own and then they had a child together after they got married. There was an incident with one of my stepbrothers where I woke up to him hovering over me and his hand down my pants when I was asleep. I screamed and he ran, but my sister saw him leave our bedroom. I woke my dad up and told him and my stepmom what had happened, but it was like they didn't believe me. I was never given an apology or any kind of explanation as to why they didn't believe me, but this was the last weekend I ever stayed the night at my dad's house. My mother absolutely wouldn't allow it to happen. This was a pivotal moment in my dad and I's relationship.

 

My mother was diagnosed with cancer the day after Thanksgiving when I was 12. It was the worst day of my life up until that point. She fought so incredibly hard and we thought she had it beat so many times, but it just kept coming back. She eventually lost her battle when I was 15 - the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of high school. She was and is to this day, the most amazing woman I have ever met. It is crazy to think that I have lived half of my life without her. I moved in with my dad, being as I was only 15 and a minor; however, the stepbrother that had assaulted me no longer lived at home. It didn't last long. I lived with my dad and stepmom for less than a year before I just packed up my stuff and moved out one weekend. I had been gone for 3 days before my dad even called to check on me. To say that I have had some serious daddy issues would be an understatement of epic proportions. I have since tried to find men to fix, because I couldn't fix my dad. I couldn't make him love me and I was never enough for him, so I sought out men just like him to try and repair that relationship (I learned this after a year of weekly therapy sessions...). Obviously, this was a terrible idea and not the way to handle the hurt and pain I felt from the brokenness between my dad and I. 

 

Fast forward to age 20...I met a man that I immediately fell in love with - he was charming and cute, and said everything that I had always wanted to hear. Things with him moved very quickly and I ignored all the red flags because I just knew that I could be the one to fix him. I got pregnant with our son very soon in our relationship, and he freaked out and ran back to his ex. Things remained pretty weird between us for a while and he would constantly tell me that I was the woman he wanted to be with...7 months after I had our son, I found out I was pregnant again. I made so many mistakes back then, but I truly loved him and was looking for validation that I was enough to make him want to be different. Our daughter was born 16 months after our son. I tried so hard to move on when he still didn't want to commit to me, but I kept being drawn back to him. He always knew when he needed to reel me in and keep me where he wanted me. A lot of things changed and happened over the next year, and we eventually decided to relocate together, as a family, to try and make things work. So, 2 1/2 hours away from most of my family, I moved to make it work with the man I just knew I could fix and spend the rest of my life with...

 

Fast forward to age 29...I have been living with and engaged to my children's father for 7 years. We have a happy, healthy relationship and everything is going wonderfully - so I thought. Until one day, I opened the phone bill and found a weird number that he had been texting and called it. No one answered, but the voicemail was a woman. It wasn't just a few text messages - it was over 3,000 in one month. He drove a semi (that I bought with my inheritance money), and we had just started a company together. He would call me every morning when he was gone and make sure that I was up for work, and immediately after calling me, he would call her. I didn't bring it up for a while because I wanted to do some more investigating. I found so much stuff that I wish I had never found, but at the same time, I am so glad I learned the truth. He had been cheating on me with not just one woman, but three...and for a long time. He swore that he loved me and was happy with me and just had a problem, but it was too much to take. 

 

I confided in my best friend through all of this...she is amazing. She supported me when I tried to stay and make it work. She helped me pack my shit when I decided I couldn't take it anymore. She helped me move my shit back when I just couldn't handle not being with him. She has been everything to me and for me and my kids. I wish I could truly explain the depths of which she loves me. I don't know many people who would stick around for all the drama that occured, but she never left my side. 

 

Fast forward a year and a half...she tells me that she is in love with me. I was shocked and giddy all at the same time. I had been having the same feelings for her, but I was too scared to even really acknowledge them. I had never considered that I could be attracted to a female. That just wasn't who I was. It wasn't who I had ever been, but I was so hopelessly in love with her that I just couldn't help but tell her I was too. I knew I had finally figured out who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, but I was so scared. I fought it for so long because I thought that I couldn't handle the backlash I just knew I would get. It wasn't like I needed to "come out" because I don't label myself as a lesbian necessarily - it's just her. I fell in love with her and who I am when I am with her. We are currently together and it is the most amazing feeling to be loved for who you are and completely adored for all the dorky and weird things that someone else hates about you. It is so amazing to feel completely comfortable in your own skin. It is a feeling I never thought I would feel. My kids love and adore her and the feeling is mutual. Their dad is still learning to be okay with it, but he is trying and that is all I can ask of him at this point.

 

There are still people that I am scared to tell. I am still scared to hold her hand in public, or actually post that I am in a relationship with her online. It feels so silly to be so concerned about what everyone else thinks and feels about my life, but is is something I fight so hard. I wish that I could just scream it from the top of a mountain because that is how amazing I feel with her - but I let my fear hold me back. I wonder if it will ever get easier to just genuinely be who I am and not be scared to live my best life - no matter what anyone else thinks. It is hard to leave a long term relationship with a man and everyone tell you that you are just rebounding and don't really feel the things you think you do because she is female.

 

She's my person and I am so incredibly happy, but why am I still scared to just be bold and put it all out there?

1 comment0 replies
sarahmcc2424
Jan 24, 2019

First of all- so happy for you that you’re happy!! That matters. I actually went through the same thing, only different. I was only with women from high school and into 31 years old...and when I was 32 I met an incredible man. He became my boyfriend, and I was nervous that my community of friends, the people I hung out with at work, at bars, even my family (who had a difficult time in the high school years, but we got through it, and eventually my girlfriends were family to them) I was hesitant to “put it out there” that I was with a man now, but... I did. Started with my family and close friends, would slide it in at work (“oh yeah, my boyfriend and I went..) eventually, I was too happy that I stopped caring and it spilled out of me with ease- and nothing happened. (Granted, people may have discussed me without my knowledge...but, nothing to concern myself with there!) I was happy, and felt safe and loved and it didn’t matter what gender the person was. (And that man is now my husband) So, I think eventually you will feel the same- one day, it’ll just be like “F%#! It!” And you’ll go about your happy, loving life and share whatever you need to! Those that matter wont think twice about whomever is on the other end of your smile! Happy for you, and wish you the best with the rest! :)

1
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