Being a mom to a child who isn't yours

Hello everyone, My name is Jillian, I am 38 years young and live in Florida. I am a firm believer in... you never know what someone is going through or what they have been through by the smile they (I) have on their face. (Deep sighhh) So back in 2015 I was a victim of domestic violence/attempted murder from an ex boyfriend I dated from 2013-2015. To make a long story short, he shot me with a gun he bought from a friend. I spent 3 full months in my local trauma hospital and underwent 7 surgeries. On my 3rd surgery the Physicians Assistant had told my mother and sister that I most likely will not make it out of surgery alive, the bullet caused so much damage, but here I am! Alive! <<Thank You Jesus!!>>It wasn't until I came out of my induced coma that I had found out that after my ex had shot me, the cops were chasing him in my car and thats when he had shot himself and had taken his own life. There is so much more detail to this but i wanted to keep it short. On May 7th it will mark 4 years.The amount of anxiety and depression that I still endure on a everyday basis .. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! The anxiety I get from walking into a crowded store to hearing fireworks go off on holidays from the inside of my home to the depression hitting me while I'm just laying in bed out of nowhere, to the amount of pain i still feel out of nowhere, it comes and goes to seeing all my scars which I refer to them as my survival scars!I know it may sound crazy but through everything i endured I wouldn't change anything. My trauma has made me a stronger woman and my Faith in God has grew tremendously! The message I want to get out to people is that if the relationship feels like it isn't right and your gut feeling is telling you something... LISTEN TO IT! Get out while you can because we as humans are unable to change another human.. they will only change if they are wanting, willing and ready to change. Feel free to message me anytime and thank you for allowing me to share some of my story with everyone.. God Bless ♡ Jillian Polete � � � � Wound vac, feeding tube, ileostomy, jp drain. � � Stent I had in my Kindney since urine was leaking inside my body from the bullet piercing through my ureter along with my colon, small intestine and missing the main artery to my heart about a quarter of an inch. � � The road rash from me jumping out of the vehicle we were in after he shot me, if I didn't escape, not sure if he would have shot me again or what. � � Had to learn how to walk again. � � After my last surgery for my colon resection. � � My Faith tattoo that a butterfly had landed on my arm.

I don’t know exactly where to start and every time I speak about this all I want to do is cry because I don’t know where in life I went wrong. I am 33 years old single mom of a 16 year old boy. I live at home with my parents and siblings and I am basically responsible for everything at home. Everything is always left up to me like the bills, the problems, everyone’s kids and there problems. Even when I am at work I am being called all day to handle things that someone else could handle. Now it is starting to take effect on my personal life. I have a good guy that I want to be with but was told by my dad if I did decide to do this I should stay with him and not come back home. And for me not to expect to even be able to come back and get my belongings. I don’t know how fair this is to me. So of course I had to cancel my plans and when doing that I informed the guy that I am talking to about my problem and now he is Upset with me. I know I need a life and I need to be happy but I don’t want to lose my family neither but all they are doing is holding me back for having a life of my own. When I say I am going to do something they are mad but if I stay home everything alright and I’m am constantly arguing with them and literally crying everyday. I force myself to go to sleep early each night so that everyone leaves me alone and I can close my eyes and just think and cry. Some days I just feel like sending them a text saying please don’t pick me up after work because I have chosen to have my own life. Only thing is that I don’t even have money saved up to do so because I’m to busy covering all he bills in the house. I come to work everyday with a smile on my face and help numerous people but I can’t seem to gain control and help myself out. I just don’t see how anyone could find it fair to treat someone like this and constantly see them unhappy.

I feel It fit to start this by saying that unlike thousands of others in this world I am very blessed to have good health, a stable home life, a great support system and a fulfilling career. Because of this I often feel times of guilt. I feel guilty because I worry, have anxiety, or feel stress. I know logically in my mind that as mentioned before, there are people less fortunate than I. I know logically I should not feel burdened with feelings. Before I discuss why I feel such anxiety sometimes, allow me to also say that if you, dear reader, are someone who is a dialysis patient, or a family member to a dialysis patient, please do not take anything I say to offense. Please do not seek blame in what I’m expressing. I mean this only as a therapeutic venting session. It gives me so much anxiety to keep other human beings alive. I love my job, I am motivated by my career, I feel fulfilled... but I also feel so much responsibility. At any given time during my day I literally have four human beings lives in my hands. If you dont know, dialysis is a “treatment” for someone whose kidneys have failed. The process removes excess toxins and fluid from their bodies. Many patients do not urinate, produce certain hormones, or regulate their bodies properly any longer. That’s where I come in. Three times a week, for approximately four hours at a time these patients are hooked up to a machine that cleans their blood. That’s right, their blood comes out of their body. And whose running the machine... me. Why does this give me anxiety? There are so many things that can go wrong. Everything from inserting very large needles into the veins to the settings programmed into the machines. I’ve worked so many codes. I’ve cleaned up so much blood. I’ve watched so many people slowly waste away to nothing. I’ve seen so many infections, sepsis, wounds, blood sugar problems, congestive heart failure, etc. But I still go to work. Weirdly it keeps me going. I live to and love to take care of other people. When I am at work, I feel my most fulfilled. I feel my happiest and like I succeed. But I also carry an immense amount of weight on my shoulders. I know I am keeping these patients alive. Literally. If I mess up or make a mistake they could die. Quickly. Or slowly. Depends on the mistake. Don’t get me wrong, all types of nursing and healthcare are stressful and important... but I am not a life saver, I am a life sustainer. No matter how hard I try the people I take care of are all going to meet an unfortunate fate long before their time. There’s rarely a happy ending at dialysis. I cope. I talk with coworkers. I have a dark sense of humor. I enjoy spending time with doggies and taking long naps. I consider my mental health fair. I don’t have PTSD, nightmares or worse. But I can not get rid of my anxiety and stress. Sure, I’ve considered changing careers, but it just doesn’t seem right. So, wrapping up my long story here. I’m not alone right? Do any other nurses or health care workers love their job, but feel such a burden? Am I normal? Thank you for reading!