Nobody knows that I have experienced death inside of me. The physical and emotional pain of having something you loved for only a short while die inside of you is probably the worst thing I have ever been through. The 2 years of negative pregnancy tests, 2 surgeries, and countless cysts rupturing destroying my body. All of that is nothing compared to having a soul die inside you. I’ll never feel her kick. Never see her face. I won’t know what her cry sounds like. I won’t ever be able to kiss her. All I have is a small photo of her lifeless body still inside of mine. My secret journey of infertility and now miscarriage bears down on me like a suffocating fish out of water. Being a same sex couple going through fertility treatments this day and age thankfully is not as hard as it once was. But it is a lot harder on us knowing we can just get pregnant again “naturally”. The flashbacks to that day, the day I cried so much. I keep replaying her voice over and over in my head, “I can’t find the heartbeat.” I remember staring at the monitor thinking “this can’t be happening, we have already been through hell.” You begin to question what you live for, when you have another human beings heartbeat stop inside of you. I walk around a lot of the time holding my breath, I scroll through social media with one eye closed, afraid to see another pregnancy announcement and when I do, her memory flood right back in.
You usually think that when you decide to have a baby you just can, just like that. You just don't prevent it and time it right, and bam! Easy peasy. Unfortunately, more often than not, this isn't always the case. My son was unplanned. In fact, I was on birth control when we got pregnant with him. I was 25 years old. Not once did it cross my mind that I wouldn't have him. Even I was high-risk, spotted when I was 5 months, got admitted because the doctor was afraid I would lose him and I still didn't think that I would. I had a healthy baby boy at almost 40 weeks and he is perfect. Fast forward to 3 years later when we decided to try again. I got off the pill but didn't get pregnant right away. One day I went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding and it was nowhere near my time of the month. I went to the ER and found out I was pregnant and had miscarried all in the same day. Okay, I thought. This happens to a lot of people. It was super early on so that's just nature. It's a fluke. It won't happen again. The following year, I found out I was pregnant again! Yes! Finally! So, I called my best friend. I told my husband. Then, a few days later I started spotting again until one day, I physically went through this miscarriage. I had terrible cramps, I was so emotional and just so upset that I was going through this. I went back to my doctor who says we don't know why these things happen and that usually they don't consider it to be an issue unless you've lost 3 or more. 3 LOSSES?! How would I ever survive another one after this? How could anyone go through this not just once but over and over again? But I did, twice more in fact. The last one was last March. I found out I was pregnant in February. My period was late and I was super scared to confirm that I was pregnant but I knew I was. I also started spotting again so I didn't get too excited but then I went to the doctor, my HCG levels were rising, I saw the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and the spotting stopped. It seemed like everything was going to be okay! I was going to my first official ultrasound at 9 weeks! At 9 weeks, the baby is a fetus. I made it to 9 weeks! They were going to point out the head and show me the heartbeat and reassure me that a baby was baking in there, but they didn't. The tech didn't say anything. She hardly looked at me. She called another tech in who acted the same way. I knew something was wrong. I asked for a picture and they acted like they didn't want to print it out for me but I insisted. Then, I got the call from my doctor. The baby had passed away and I needed to have a dilation and extraction. You want to talk about crazy emotions. The pain is crippling. Some days I can't even believe I made it but the important thing is that I did and I'm still going, I'm still grateful. As sad as it is that I've had these struggles, as much as I think sometimes how it isn't fair, that I didn't deserve any of this, I'm still grateful. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much. I have a wonderful life that many people wish they could have. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being punished for things I've done in the past. Sometimes I wonder if this is all my fault. In reality, I know it has nothing to do with any of those things. I'm a spiritual person and my faith is still unwavering. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. We did meet with a fertility specialist and we have talked about adoption but for now, I've made peace with how things are. I'm good right now. I don't want people to think I've given up. I've just made peace with it all. A lot happened last year and I'm still trying to put myself back together again and that's okay. Some days are better than others. I have my moments but I don't stay there. I know there's a reason I had to go through all of this and I know I'm a stronger person because of it. I take comfort in helping other women not feel so alone. I want you to know it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be pissed the fuck off, it's okay to be jealous, to feel slighted, etc, but I don't want you to stay in that space. You will be okay. You will survive this. Look at me, I'm surviving and living my best life still. You can read more about my story here- https://mommyswiththeband.blog/2018/04/04/1-2-3-4-miscarriages/ . Thanks for reading.