Nobody knows that I have experienced death inside of me. The physical and emotional pain of having something you loved for only a short while die inside of you is probably the worst thing I have ever been through. The 2 years of negative pregnancy tests, 2 surgeries, and countless cysts rupturing destroying my body. All of that is nothing compared to having a soul die inside you. I’ll never feel her kick. Never see her face. I won’t know what her cry sounds like. I won’t ever be able to kiss her. All I have is a small photo of her lifeless body still inside of mine. My secret journey of infertility and now miscarriage bears down on me like a suffocating fish out of water. Being a same sex couple going through fertility treatments this day and age thankfully is not as hard as it once was. But it is a lot harder on us knowing we can just get pregnant again “naturally”. The flashbacks to that day, the day I cried so much. I keep replaying her voice over and over in my head, “I can’t find the heartbeat.” I remember staring at the monitor thinking “this can’t be happening, we have already been through hell.” You begin to question what you live for, when you have another human beings heartbeat stop inside of you. I walk around a lot of the time holding my breath, I scroll through social media with one eye closed, afraid to see another pregnancy announcement and when I do, her memory flood right back in.
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