You usually think that when you decide to have a baby you just can, just like that. You just don't prevent it and time it right, and bam! Easy peasy. Unfortunately, more often than not, this isn't always the case. My son was unplanned. In fact, I was on birth control when we got pregnant with him. I was 25 years old. Not once did it cross my mind that I wouldn't have him. Even I was high-risk, spotted when I was 5 months, got admitted because the doctor was afraid I would lose him and I still didn't think that I would. I had a healthy baby boy at almost 40 weeks and he is perfect. Fast forward to 3 years later when we decided to try again. I got off the pill but didn't get pregnant right away. One day I went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding and it was nowhere near my time of the month. I went to the ER and found out I was pregnant and had miscarried all in the same day. Okay, I thought. This happens to a lot of people. It was super early on so that's just nature. It's a fluke. It won't happen again. The following year, I found out I was pregnant again! Yes! Finally! So, I called my best friend. I told my husband. Then, a few days later I started spotting again until one day, I physically went through this miscarriage. I had terrible cramps, I was so emotional and just so upset that I was going through this. I went back to my doctor who says we don't know why these things happen and that usually they don't consider it to be an issue unless you've lost 3 or more. 3 LOSSES?! How would I ever survive another one after this? How could anyone go through this not just once but over and over again? But I did, twice more in fact. The last one was last March. I found out I was pregnant in February. My period was late and I was super scared to confirm that I was pregnant but I knew I was. I also started spotting again so I didn't get too excited but then I went to the doctor, my HCG levels were rising, I saw the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and the spotting stopped. It seemed like everything was going to be okay! I was going to my first official ultrasound at 9 weeks! At 9 weeks, the baby is a fetus. I made it to 9 weeks! They were going to point out the head and show me the heartbeat and reassure me that a baby was baking in there, but they didn't. The tech didn't say anything. She hardly looked at me. She called another tech in who acted the same way. I knew something was wrong. I asked for a picture and they acted like they didn't want to print it out for me but I insisted. Then, I got the call from my doctor. The baby had passed away and I needed to have a dilation and extraction. You want to talk about crazy emotions. The pain is crippling. Some days I can't even believe I made it but the important thing is that I did and I'm still going, I'm still grateful. As sad as it is that I've had these struggles, as much as I think sometimes how it isn't fair, that I didn't deserve any of this, I'm still grateful. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much. I have a wonderful life that many people wish they could have. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being punished for things I've done in the past. Sometimes I wonder if this is all my fault. In reality, I know it has nothing to do with any of those things. I'm a spiritual person and my faith is still unwavering. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. We did meet with a fertility specialist and we have talked about adoption but for now, I've made peace with how things are. I'm good right now. I don't want people to think I've given up. I've just made peace with it all. A lot happened last year and I'm still trying to put myself back together again and that's okay. Some days are better than others. I have my moments but I don't stay there. I know there's a reason I had to go through all of this and I know I'm a stronger person because of it. I take comfort in helping other women not feel so alone. I want you to know it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be pissed the fuck off, it's okay to be jealous, to feel slighted, etc, but I don't want you to stay in that space. You will be okay. You will survive this. Look at me, I'm surviving and living my best life still. You can read more about my story here- https://mommyswiththeband.blog/2018/04/04/1-2-3-4-miscarriages/ . Thanks for reading.
THE CONNECTION
We encourage you to contribute to – or even start – a conversation with others; to share your story here in an effort to help others feel related to, and, conversely, to gain the support you may be longing for. If even just one person could be reminded that they are not alone in this world, we’d consider this a success.
We understand that telling your story may be hard, especially in a public forum. If you’re someone who would like to share your story, but remain private, please email us at forthehayters@gmail.com. We will post your story through our ‘For The Hayters’ profile, so that you may share with full anonymity. You know your story matters; We know so, too.
YOUR STORIES
Search
First I want to say I’m so sorry your going through this. I want to tell you you are not alone. My husband and I tired to get pregnant for years before it happend. Our first miscarriage I was 4 weeks. I told my self it happens, my body wasnt ready. Our second one was a year later. This time I made it to 8 weeks. When we went back for our 12 week check the baby had no Active heart heart and had stopped growing at 9 weeks. My body had not started anything and my doctor wanted to do a D&C. Luckily the next day my body started the process. My doctors didn’t understand, we checked everything... found out my thyroid was low. So we fixed it! Finally our rainbow baby. Had a full term baby boy. I was on the Mirena for 4 1/2 years, we were ready to start trying again...
Found out 2 weeks before my birthday I was pregnant... 😳 i only had my IUD out for 4 months... I was scared but so excited.
i came home told my husband. Everything was going great no symptoms just like the first pregnancy. Didn’t think anything of it. they couldn’t get me sooner cause of an already planned vacation so I was to go in at 9 weeks and get an ultrasound. I laid on the table and instantly closed my eyes. I don’t know if I subconsciously knew or I was just that scared. The tech never spoke just gor up and Instantly got the doctor. My husband never spoke just squeezed my hand. It was happening... again... went to a specialist and found out I have the MTHFR gene mutation, but there is no link to the mutation to miscarriages... so again we are back a square one... I’m here for you girl. Just know you are know tou are now alone. And you are strong. This is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. You are not a failure. You can do this.