I got my heart broken in the summer. I was ready to move to a different state with her. I was ready to start a life. She told me it was her depression and that she needed space. I didn’t give it to her I kept pushing. I kept seeking the validation I craved in the relationship. After we broke up she told me she wanted to grow old with me and have my children and my last name. But every time we spoke I kept pushing the issue of getting back together. I feel so stupid for letting a person live inside of my head for so long and not being able to detach. I’ve had issues with anxiety and OCD since I was in high school but I didn’t realize how much it all revolves around relationships. I have what’s called pure O. I don’t compulsively clean. I’m not scared of anything really. Besides being abandoned by the ones I love. I’ve never let anyone get close to me before, even my own family. And I finally did and was vulnerable and got my heart shattered. I’ve been depressed as all hell since then. I’ve been speaking with a therapist and got prescribed meds to get a handle on my intrusive thoughts. It’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to want to live. She broke my heart and my will to live. I have been doing more productive things with myself and that helps. But the acceptance of not having the person who you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with not in your life anymore is a painful process. I’ve never cried this much in my life. Every day I hope she comes back and I want to believe her when she says she needs time and still loves me. But her actions say differently. She says she doesn’t know if I have the characteristics she needs in a partner but I know that I do. I didn’t realize how much I changed in the relationship as it progressed. I still have hope for us but right now I’m focusing on getting myself back and gaining that validation from within. People with anxiety if you are reading this. The validation of yourself and what will come your fears is you. You can not rely on your partner to do that because it will wear on them. I’m seeking that strength every day. I fight the demons of my intrusive thoughts every day and chase the fucking sun. Don’t stop chasing it. Don’t give up. I’m in the darkest part of my life I’ve ever been but I know that I’m not done on this planet. Sometimes I lay on the ground and visualize my own funeral. I ask myself ,”have you lived a good life?” “Have you done everything you need to do?” And the answer is always “I ain’t don’t yet motherfuckers”
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