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YOUR STORIES
For The Hayters
Feb 1, 2019

"I’ve went to send this in 6 times and finally just doing it." - Anonymous

This is so hard for me to share and I kind of feel silly for that. I guess I’m embarrassed and I don’t open up to people and here I am, opening up to so many people. I’ve went to send this in 6 times and finally just doing it.  Where do I even start? My HS sweetheart and I lost our virginity to each other. After a couple years together we got married and started our beautiful family. I always wondered if he’d be ok only being with me for the rest of his life but he always reassured me how happy and content he was and how I’m enough for him and always will be. He’d reassure me he could live his whole life only being with me. Shortly after marriage I caught him looking at porn and when I sat back and thought about it I realized 1) we’ve never had sex once without my clothes off and 2) we haven’t really been that intimate. I’d try but there was always an excuse. This went on and on for years. I’d question things like am I enough? Why won’t you have sex with me without my clothes on? Why he would only hit it and quit it? Why I preformed oral but he refused? Why he watched porn? Why he takes and doesn’t give in any situation, sexually or not. Has he been with anyone else? All of which was pushed aside and told I was over reacting, I was enough. Blah blah. 10 years go by and I find out the lies. He still was watching porn, for years longer than I knew of. I was also told he slept with 2 people when I was pregnant with our first child. Months go by we buy a house to solidify a new beginning with me “knowing everything” and I’m working hard to fix our marriage and I catch him in a small lie.. which then leads to more big lies coming out. I was told he didn’t just sleep with 2 people, he slept with 3. He lied about the 3rd since it was someone we were friends with. Years later they still talked “as friends”. He always defended her when I felt like we shouldn’t hang out because she was always all over him in front of his wife and kids. He use to work out of state a lot and he’d tell me and the kids goodnight and then still talk to her. He now “doesn’t remember what they ever talked about”. Apparently they talked about sleeping together once after it happened and said it was a mistake but that was it. After the 1st round of lies came out I gave him an opportunity to tell me everything as this was the last chance he would be given and he still lied!! It’s been a few months since the second round of lies surfaced and I’m so lost. He now wants to try and be the husband and dad he should be. We now have sex with my clothes off, no more porn or lies according to him. He gives more. He said he pushed me away for all those years because the lies were too much on him to keep in and pushing me away was easier than coming clean. I don’t know what to do. I have our kids to think about in this process as well. He’s been more involved sexually and just in general and more present since all of this. More loving and helpful. But def has moments where I feel like there’s more lies, he doesn’t care like he says and I’m here for the convenience. I don’t feel like I know everything..although he swears I do. But he lied after I told him I’d leave if I didn’t know it all. How am I suppose to believe him? Our whole marriage together has been a lie. Why have I been so blind for this long? I feel like I’m walking in an endless circle and I don’t know which direction to walk in!! I need to believe him but I can’t.

 

I have no one to talk to about any of this. I have no one to relate to. I have no one to help guide me on what to do. How to fix this. I tried therapy when it first happened but it wasn’t any help. I feel stupid.. I just feel so stupid!!!!!!! 

5 comments0 replies
momofboys
Feb 1, 2019

Going to therapy is like going shopping...if you don't like your first therapist then change them u will find the right one....and if you can not find yourself to forgive your husband and try to trust him things will get worst and u can end up with more hurt... everyone is gonna tell u to leave him but only u will know if he is being honest with u now...

1
taylor.jayne10
Feb 1, 2019

First of all,

im so sorry you had to go through this. Being humiliated and cheated on by your husband is not fair and no one should have to put up with that.

At first when I read this I was thinking “leave him. Take the kids and go. Still let him be apart of their lives of course but you don’t need to deal with it”

even if it’s hard, which it always it... you’ll be better in the long run. Because if there’s no trust or communication, there’s nothing.

but then you stated that he came clean, he apologized, and it seems like changes are actually happening. Hes being more involved, sexually and in other ways.

But you still aren’t 100% sure. Which I don’t blame you for at all.

One thing you Never said here, is that you love him. And he loves you. And you guys are sure to tell each other that. It seems like that is missing...

I think it’s best you guys PRIVATELY start going to therapy. Together & separately. It’ll help tremendously to talk to someone, to get it out there. To get it off both of your guys chests.

 

If you choose to stay with him because things are legitimately getting better, more power to you.

But he cheated on you multiple times, and if you feel leaving him would be best, you can do it. I know you will get through it.

Don’t let anyone make you feel uncomfortable in your everyday life.

 

This is YOUR life to live. Good luck girly ❤️

2
Natalie Thornborough
Feb 1, 2019

Hello, I can’t relate to this at all but as a wife and mother of 2 kids I had to reply... first of all you weren’t blind... I don’t even think I’d notice something like this either when you’re in love, married and committed you shouldn’t even be thinking about something like this... you’d never do it so you had no reason to think he ever would and all that leads to my 2nd thing... why? It’s one sided. All you gave him he should of gave back. Make a mistake you’re human but own up to it and only make it once! Don’t lie about it and don’t do it again... 3rd thing... can you trust him? If you can’t you can’t do this... nothing will work again if you don’t have trust but you probably already know this. I don’t want to sound mean but you and your beautiful children we’re enough so why should you stick around? He wanted to venture and try something new but he’s figured it’s not for him and wants to come back? You’ll feel much better walking away now with your head held high than being left when he does it again.

It’s your choice, but I couldn’t do it.

Maybe do what the first person said? Try a new therapist? Good luck ❤️ remember that you’re worth more though!

0
macymoon15
Feb 2, 2019

One of my best friends mom always says “only you will know when enough is enough, and when that day comes, you will take your babies and head out the door and nothing will stop you” I’ve never been a fan of therapy, maybe I just haven’t found the right one. But what helps me is my dog, walking and working out. Maybe that just helps my anxiety. But maybe for the trust issues a therapist for both you and him would work? Gosh I feel like this doesn’t make any sense but i hope it gives you encouragemen. Girl, you are not alone and if you ever need anyone to just talk to about it, since we don’t know each other you might feel more comfortable. I’m a judgement free zone. Sending you so many good vibes and love! YOU GOT THIS💘

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Day_Dreamer87
Feb 2, 2019

I personally couldn’t do this. If I lose trust in someone, it takes a long time to get it back. It’ll always be there, in the back of your mind when he goes out of town for business, when he’s on his phone, if he stays up late at night after you’ve went to bed. You’ll wonder if he’s doing something he shouldn’t be. You’ll have the same arguments over & over. My biggest concern is the kids. Do you want them to think it’s normal for their person to cheat on them more than once & still stay? Do you want them to think it’s normal to not trust the person they’ve decided to spend their lives with? It’s ultimately your decision. Only you know the ins & outs of your marriage & what you can deal with, but if I were in your shoes, I’d make him leave.

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New Posts
  • dmannio94
    May 15, 2019

    Loosing yourself for "love"

    Discussion 
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  • For The Hayters
    Apr 7, 2019

    "It’s hard to not see who she is and not see myself as being inadequate." - Anonymous

    Discussion 
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  • For The Hayters
    Sep 27, 2019

    "I haven’t ever told anyone what truly happened, I have always made excuses for him." - Anonymous

    Discussion 
    i haven’t ever told anyone what truly happened, i have always made excuses for him. we were together for a couple months, happy as ever. he did have some things on his background that i should’ve just turned away when i found out about(strangulation, assault, ect.) but i didn't.. i stayed, and i told myself multiple times, “oh it wont happen to me, he’s changed.” and he did have me blind, and believing he had changed... until one night when he was asleep and his ex wife was messaging him about those two meeting up and fixing their marriage and potentially getting back together... i found this out because his phone was blowing up and i figured it must’ve been something important so i picked it up, well there was a message from her. so i opened it and read the messages. i dropped his phone on the bed, packed most of my clothing and went to pack the rest of my things. when he woke up he instantly knew i went through his phone, and he began getting abusive.. he was in my face screaming at me, thew me up against the fridge, and was kicking my thighs(while he had me pinned against the fridge), and he tried to hit me.. i thankfully got away, i went to the bedroom and grabbed the rest of my belongings and i left. when i was questioned on what happened i told everyone he only screamed in my face. i had worn jeans and long sleeved shirts after it happened so the bruises weren’t visible. however, this isn’t the first time it happened, when he would have a bad day he would take it out on me... i would get screamed at, he would pin me against the walls, he would do whatever he could to take his anger out without actually hitting my face so there was no visible bruises. i am now out of the relationship, and have him blocked on all forms of social media and changed my number.. but i am always so afraid to go into public by myself. i always check the parking lots before i go into stores, when i’m in a store by myself i an always looking over my shoulder to make sure he isn’t behind me.. i don’t leave my house at night anymore because i’m afraid he’s gonna be outside waiting for me.. i have tried getting into another relationship, but i had to end it because i was afraid they were going to do the same... i can’t bring myself to dating someone new. i eventually have to put this behind me, however i will always have the fear he is going to be there, or the next person is going to be like him. the moral of this is if you’re in an abusive relationship, get the help you need before it is too late. i never pressed charges, and i didn’t follow through with the protection from abuse order.. i felt like i was the issue and i live with the guilt daily.
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