This is so hard for me to share and I kind of feel silly for that. I guess I’m embarrassed and I don’t open up to people and here I am, opening up to so many people. I’ve went to send this in 6 times and finally just doing it. Where do I even start? My HS sweetheart and I lost our virginity to each other. After a couple years together we got married and started our beautiful family. I always wondered if he’d be ok only being with me for the rest of his life but he always reassured me how happy and content he was and how I’m enough for him and always will be. He’d reassure me he could live his whole life only being with me. Shortly after marriage I caught him looking at porn and when I sat back and thought about it I realized 1) we’ve never had sex once without my clothes off and 2) we haven’t really been that intimate. I’d try but there was always an excuse. This went on and on for years. I’d question things like am I enough? Why won’t you have sex with me without my clothes on? Why he would only hit it and quit it? Why I preformed oral but he refused? Why he watched porn? Why he takes and doesn’t give in any situation, sexually or not. Has he been with anyone else? All of which was pushed aside and told I was over reacting, I was enough. Blah blah. 10 years go by and I find out the lies. He still was watching porn, for years longer than I knew of. I was also told he slept with 2 people when I was pregnant with our first child. Months go by we buy a house to solidify a new beginning with me “knowing everything” and I’m working hard to fix our marriage and I catch him in a small lie.. which then leads to more big lies coming out. I was told he didn’t just sleep with 2 people, he slept with 3. He lied about the 3rd since it was someone we were friends with. Years later they still talked “as friends”. He always defended her when I felt like we shouldn’t hang out because she was always all over him in front of his wife and kids. He use to work out of state a lot and he’d tell me and the kids goodnight and then still talk to her. He now “doesn’t remember what they ever talked about”. Apparently they talked about sleeping together once after it happened and said it was a mistake but that was it. After the 1st round of lies came out I gave him an opportunity to tell me everything as this was the last chance he would be given and he still lied!! It’s been a few months since the second round of lies surfaced and I’m so lost. He now wants to try and be the husband and dad he should be. We now have sex with my clothes off, no more porn or lies according to him. He gives more. He said he pushed me away for all those years because the lies were too much on him to keep in and pushing me away was easier than coming clean. I don’t know what to do. I have our kids to think about in this process as well. He’s been more involved sexually and just in general and more present since all of this. More loving and helpful. But def has moments where I feel like there’s more lies, he doesn’t care like he says and I’m here for the convenience. I don’t feel like I know everything..although he swears I do. But he lied after I told him I’d leave if I didn’t know it all. How am I suppose to believe him? Our whole marriage together has been a lie. Why have I been so blind for this long? I feel like I’m walking in an endless circle and I don’t know which direction to walk in!! I need to believe him but I can’t.
I have no one to talk to about any of this. I have no one to relate to. I have no one to help guide me on what to do. How to fix this. I tried therapy when it first happened but it wasn’t any help. I feel stupid.. I just feel so stupid!!!!!!!