"Not for raping me or for abusing me but for drugs." - Anonymous

"I was 21 getting back together with my high school sweetheart my first kiss who I lost my virginity too...  no way did I ever think it would be the worst decision of my life the only good thing that came from it was our twins. It was around summer time when I moved in with him and I should have ran the first chance I got. He didn’t come home for two days and when he did he was wasted and ready to fight. I can still remember the first day he ever hit me and the amount of pain I was In... but he loved me I always told myself and I was used to this because when I was a kid I was abused and saw my mother get abused. Once he sobered up he didn’t even know what happened or could even understand why I was scared and where did the bruises come from... when I told him that he did it he didn’t want to believe it... things got better then would get worse but he always apologized so I thought things would change. We moved to a different state and things went downhill so fast that I didn’t even have time to grasp the things I was about to endure... the abuse got so bad that he stuck a knife up to my throat and threaten to kill me... I can still feel it cutting into my neck. Trying to keep this as short as possible but hard. Next we found out I was pregnant man I was so sad and felt sick. This is supposed to be a happy time right. Well the monster came out that night and told me that he was going to abort our baby with a wire hanger and I had never been so scared in my life. I got the chance to run and I did thank god my sister lived closed. But we all know how good abusers can talk and he talked me right back into his arms (I also wasn’t ready to give up everything he was a good man sober right...) he quite drinking for awhile until we moved back to our home town and boy was that move a mistake... he came home drunk and mad like always and I was his target I was already 5 months pregnant with twins. As I walked passed him to leave he warped his hand around my hair and pulled me Down I was so scared for my babies not for me.  I had to think fast and I did I somehow got away and ran out the back door well I wasn’t fast enough he comes from behind and pulls me down and gets on top of me chocking me and all I can do is scream our babies don’t hurt our babies. Well I pled and pled and what felt like hours he finally got up and I ran to our neighbors... we live on a Native American reservation and cops didn’t really care so once I got there all I could do was wait it out until he got sober. My friend came to the neighbors house which was her moms house and said I left her a voicemail of me screaming for my life and when I heard it my heart stopped. To hear how scared I sounded broke my heart. What was I doing. But I didn’t see a way out. A month goes by from that incident and he leaves early in the morning but I knew something wasn’t right.  2 hours after he left I got a phone call saying that he has been in a accident and that someone was coming to get me. As I walked out of my door I looked across the highway and saw his truck well what was left of it. My heart broke what was I going to do was he alive I’m pregnant with twins... we get to the ambulance and he was laying there barely hanging on. And then I heard that our good friend was in the truck but he wasn’t there I was so confused.... then I heard the words that he didn’t make it... the next two weeks were so hard my kids dad had a broken neck and other broken bones and recovery was going to be awhile. I stayed by his side for those two weeks 6 months pregnant with twins... it was my time to go to the doctors and well I was delivering my babies three months early. My daughter weighed  1lb 9pz and my other one weighed 3lb 9pz and the next 4 months in the hospital was the hardest. A week after they were born we found out one of my daughters had Down syndrome and I just couldn’t understand why god hated me so much. One thing after another. (Her having Down syndrome was such a blessing best soul in the world) well after 4 long months in the hospital surgery after surgery we were able to come home and the worst has yet to come. Their dad wAs doing good until he couldn’t any longer the abuse got worse mentally and physically and he even attacked my mom. The cops came he got probation that was it. Well I finally couldn’t do it anymore and made him leave. He did but he turned to a stronger drug named meth. He would come over steal from me and the worst part of everything the thing he took my women hood from me. He came In while I was sleeping took my clothes off I told him to stop I begged him until I realized he came for one thing and one thing only so I let him finish and he left like that. I laid there not crying not feeling just numb. The next day I called his po to say he had drugs and he went away for a year just like that. Not for raping me or for abusing me but for drugs. When I told the cops what he did they said because I consented at the end I couldn’t do anything. Wow right but right then I knew I couldn’t be a victim anymore and I needed to be a good mom for my girls. Their dad has spent the last four years in prison for the drugs and he got out did a DUI hit-and-run with substantially bodily harm and went right back in... Best four years of my life he’s getting out soon and I hope he’s a changed man for our daughters. I will never get back with him but for my daughters I hope he has changed. My daughter with down syndrome has been very sick we found out that she has a disease that is not curable and we have spent many many nights in the hospital. My life hasn’t been easy but I have been with it. I’m a victims advocate now and I help people get through the things that I was able to over come. Always empower our women stay strong ladies!! Sorry not such a good writer and hope this made sense!!!"