I don’t even know where to begin about how chaotic my life has been for the last year... I found myself married to a man after hiding my sexuality from myself for the last 26 years. He’s a good man who deserves the world, but one day I realized I cannot give him the world I vowed to build with him.
He introduced me to a coworker of his almost a year ago. He gave me the reigns and said explore your sexuality as you please, with minimal questions. He wasn’t too worried because the coworker was with him miles away from where I was. Those miles didn’t keep her and I apart. If anything, it bonded us closer. I tell her that I fell in love with the way that she touched me without using her hands. This girl became my world. She is the one who made me realize that my life had always felt muted. I had it all, but it didn’t feel right. She turned the volume up in my world and everything made sense for once in my life.
I wasn’t in a position to leave him. There were reasons I had to hang on. For his sake and our families’ sake. I felt every type of pressure. She was patient and kind to me, but it became too much and I had to let her go. I did what I had to do and she did what she had to do.
Torturous months go by, I move to the same state where they live, I end things verbally with him, and I pack up to move on to a different part of town. It took a little while, but I reconnected with her eventually and we reestablished what we had created in the most beautiful and blissful way I could have imagined.
I had my girl. I had my world.
But now something has happened. Their employer got involved and I am now possibly facing legal hardships with my partner. I know I’m not a saint. I know I may not deserve a happy ending after putting my spouse through this whole mess. After all we’ve been through, I may have to let my lover go. For her career and livelihood it has to happen, and all I can do is hope and pray that our paths cross again once more in the future when it is safe to be together.
So this is for all the people who are madly in love and just cannot be with the one they feel that love for at the moment. I hope it all works out for you the way I hope it works out for myself. My heart is with you each of you because I know just how badly you want that happiness that actually makes it feel like your heart is growing inside your chest.