Will I ever be enough? | For The Hayters

Jen Hartrum · 2019-01-23T14:13:17.383Z

I am a happily engaged 34 year old who is getting married to an amazing man in October. It has been a long time coming and something I’ve been looking forward to my whole entire life. You see, I sat and watched my sisters fall in love with their now husbands while I had no one to love me. I was the type back in HS that would rather spend Time with friends then have a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong I had crushes but never persued them. I didn’t have the courage and the self esteem. Back in HS I was always depressed. I was a homebody but also liked hanging out with my group of friends. I held a lot in, just like I do today. I would get severely depressed, to the point I would lock myself in the bathroom to debate if I should still be in this world or if I should just end it so people could be happy and not deal with my mood swings of happiness and sadness. I could never do it. I knew the affect it would have. I had sisters that needed me, a father that would be heartbroken, a mother that It would literally kill her and a grandmother I couldn’t leave like that. You see, my uncle took his life when he was 19. My moms only brother my Mimi’s only son. I just couldn’t do that. I always hid the depression from everyone. I think the only one that seen it was my Mom. I pushed through it and graduated with good grades from BHS. Still no boyfriend nothing. Come 21 years of age I lost my virginity the one I was waiting for until my future husband.. yup I was that kind of girl. I lost it because i didn’t think I was ever going to find someone I could marry. The kid wasn’t even my bf. Something i am mortified to even talk about. 2 months later I met my first “real“ love Adam. He was from NC and I fell for him hard. My first real relationship. Things were going so great until almost a year later he literally packed his stuff up and left me. No explaination nothing. When I say I literally fell apart, i dropped to my knees and I felt like I was going to die. My heart had been ripped out stomped on and thrown back in my chest. I later found out he was cheating on me. My first heartbreak and it was a bad one. It took me a very long time to get over that but with the help of a really good friend and my family I moved on. It still hurt but I pushed through. Fast forward 2 years later and I met Josh. He was the dangerous, out of my comfort zone kind of man. I fell for him hard and fast.. it was easy, he said what I wanted to hear, he made me feel that rush of adrenaline. He was sober from drugs for a few months before we made it official. He had to serve time in jail before we could move in together. That was a huge step in our relationship and in my life. I am a family person. I love my family beyond words and I had just had a brand new nephew, he was 6 months at this time. I went from seeing him every day and my family every day to moving over an hr away to be with this “man”. Everything was great at first.. unfortunately he had to do weekends in jail for a prior crime but that didn’t stop me from falling for him.. I’m a good girl he’s a bad boy.. time went by and I got home sick, my Mimi and sisters would come and stay for the weekend, and like a baby I would sit by the window and cry when they left.. they didn’t know this but about 1 1/2 years into my relationship it went from good to terrible. I was getting accused of sleeping around, accused of lying.. you name it I was accused of it. Then came the threats. The verbal and beyond mental abuse. Telling me I couldn’t go down to see my family without him because he didn’t trust me. Telling me one day when he came home from work, the instant he opened the door that, “ seeing you makes me want to punch you in the face”. If I cried I was called all kinds of names so I became numb. It brought me into a deep depression. I would go see my family and my dad would pull me aside and ask me if I was “ok” I lied and told him I was fine but inside I was screaming, “ Daddy help me please” I wanted out. But he had me thinking no one would love me, they wouldn’t find me attracted and they would just hate me. I would argue back but one time I walked away, turned my back on him and had the door kicked in on my body first time in my life I huddled like he was going to hit me. The whole door landed on me, I jumped on the counter he pulled out his fist and came about an inch away from my face and told me you’re lucky I don’t hit you. At that point I’d rather feel that hit then this growing dark feeling inside me. Again would everyone be ok with me gone? I’m worthless, ugly, a crybaby, no one loves me or so I thought because of him and no one certainly wanted me after him. I was broken. Broken. I had a friend Marion who I told everything too. I couldn’t even tell my family. I had gotten 2 cats. They were my escape from the pain and the abuse I was going through. Cats, who would have figured they’d help me “escape” Then one day he texted me and told me the cats have got to go. It’s because he seen me crying on them and he didn’t like that. He would then start kicking my cats throwing them. My one hates men. I refused to get rid of them.. that kind of passed.. then a few months later he told me he was done and he wanted me to pack my stuff up and leave. I begged. I pleaded. “Please don’t leave me please, I won’t find anyone like you. Please” How sad was that looking back on it?! Find someone like you?! Who what, mentally and verbally abused me to the point I wanted him to hit me to take the pain away and who wanted to just end it all?! That is how low he made me feel. Now of course I begged pleaded and it didn’t work. Thank god it didn’t because I think next step would have gone from verbal to physical. I always told myself NO MAN WOULD EVER LAY A FINGER ON ME. I suffered for the next few months bad. I had friends and family pull me out of my head. A whole year after that I learned to love myself. Know what I will and will not put up with in a relationship and how I deserve to be treated. Then came John. The instant he pulled up to take me on my first date I knew he was the one. Was it crazy to think that.. absolutely. We took it slow and steady, he was everything that I wanted in a man. He told me I was beautiful told me I was worth the world. Showed me a love that I knew I needed. I was worth it. You know, I always tell him he came into my life when I needed him the most. He definitely did. He turned my world upside down. I had value, I had love. His love and my love for myself. 1 1/2 years ago he asked me to marry him. Came out of the blue. Finally. I have everything I’ve always wanted. Looking back when I said to Josh, “ I won’t find anyone like you.” You’re damn right. I found a man, someone beyond better then anyone like him. I found someone to laugh with, to share interests with, who builds me up not breaks me down. Someone I finally gave my whole entire taped up heart to who fixed it up and made it whole. This is a long story, way more happened that I couldn’t even type but just getting this out there has made me realize. I am worth it. I am love-able. So if you’re feeling like it’s the end. It’s not, you’re beginning just hasn’t happened yet.

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