I was freshly 18 years old. Just moved into my college apartment. I was "fresh-meat" as the guys liked to put it. They stood outside, watching as my roommates and I lugged box after box up the stairs. Not one offered to help. Not that we would have welcomed it because we were strong, independent young women who didn't need a man's help. Anyways, fast forward to that weekend. My school was known for parties. We all went to another apartment and just played drinking games until the security guard showed up, and I ducked out the door. That's when I met my college boyfriend, D. He helped me hide. That's also when I met his friend, M, my attacker, just did not know it. M was a friendly guy who seemed harmless. A little odd, but I wasn't threatened at all. I was comfortable around him and we were friends on social media. A few months into the relationship with my boyfriend, D went away for a basketball tournament. I had to stay back because I had work that weekend. One of my high school friends lived an apartment under me and since the apartments were a ghost town, he asked if I could drive him and M to the liquor store. I said sure. Everything was fine. We bombed down to the store and blasted music and danced in our seats the entire way. They bought me a Blue Raspberry 4Loko. We got back to our apartments, and they both came up to mine because it was clean and I had a TV. We sat on the couch and talked and talked. My friend left to go back to his room, M stayed. I barely had anything to drink, but I wasn't feeling right, something was wrong. M was telling me about how fucked up girls were and how this girl that he had a massive crush on wouldn't give him the time of day. That's the last of what I remember. I woke up in a pool of my own blood, and no clothes on. M was next to me, naked. I screamed and wrapped my blood soaked comforter around me and told him to get out. He wouldn't. I said "You raped me....I didn't want this. You took advantage of me". I was talking so loud, he told me to shut up and he would leave. He got his clothes on and as he was walking out the door, he said "if you tell anyone, I will slit your fucking throat. Nobody will believe you anyways." I was terrified. I was all alone in my apartment, I didn't sleep the rest of the night. I went home the next day to wash my bed stuff. I somehow managed to hide it from my parents and put on a front like everything was fine. I buried it down, deep inside. I hadn't forgotten, but I chose to not remember. My boyfriend found out one night while they were all hanging out. I had never seen him so angry. He didn't believe me. He told me that M said I begged for it. That I wanted it. I was distraught. After hours and hours of going back and forth, he chose to be on my side. However, he was still friends with the guy. All of his friends knew as well. M was bragging that he banged me and I screamed with pleasure. HE WAS BRAGGING ABOUT RAPING AN 18 YEAR OLD GIRL. About a week or two later, D and I went to a house party of one of our friends. M was there. While my boyfriend was getting us drinks in the kitchen, M sidled up next to me and said "I know you liked it. We should do it again" and grabbed my butt. This time, my boyfriend saw it happen. But he chose to ignore it. He didn't want any bad blood. This went on for months. I eventually stopped going to parties and hanging out with my friends. I couldn't stand M. He was everywhere. Only a handful of people know about this. My current fiancee knows because I felt I needed to tell him about my past. My best friends know. But that is it. My family doesn't know because I'm terrified to tell them. I don't want them to judge me for something that happened almost 10 years ago. I don't want them to brush it off like I was young and stupid. It sits with me every single day. And I can tell you, I have never put myself into that situation ever again.
Discussion
The last few years of my life have consisted of a whirlwind of milestones scattered with abuse. After my junior year of college I was heartbroken and lost and after finally letting go of an emotionally draining on and off relationship I decided to take time for myself. I spent the summer and the remaining months working on myself until my senior year began. Sometime in mid August, I was swept up by a guy that ended up doing more harm then good. I was told he was great, and that he would treat me like a queen, yet all I got in return were vague messages, new insecurities and a flood of doubt as I begin to watch him drift away as other girls closer to him began to peak his interest. 6 months came and went and I found myself heartbroken yet again 2 days before my 22nd birthday. February ended and I slowly began to deal with the mess that unfolded 2 months before my college graduation. To this day it pains me to think that in May of 2018 I made the worst mistake of my life. I allowed myself to let my guard down and let myself get distracted by a boy who shall remain nameless. He made me feel like I was worth something, but something in my gut told me something was not right. Those feelings that I had were right. After two months of back and forth I finally agreed to date him, and dismissed these feelings as insecurities caused by past relationships. For 3 months I found myself constantly battling my inner emotions to be with someone I did not love. After being contacted by an ex boyfriend and realizing that I was still not over the past I decide to end things once and for all with the unnamed boyfriend. What should have been a simple breakup became 1.5 years of grueling abuse. I was stalked, harassed, threatened, and manipulated. I was told I was a prize, and it was said that if I didn’t get back with him suicide wold be the only option. As a self respecting educator as well as a decent human being I did not want this outcome, so I reported these matters to my school. The issues were temporarily resolved, until I again found myself tangled in a web of lies. I lost friends over this matter and for months I believed that misery was a norm and that this is how everyone felt. I was a shell of myself, lifeless, scared and trapped. Time passed and I graduated with my MAT in 2018. I got away from the toxicity at my school, and I began to rebuild. In September of 2018 I connected with a guy that I happened to go to college with. We ran in the similar social circles, but we never friends. Though I was warned that I needed time to myself something in my gut told me to go on a date with him. Trusting myself was the best decision I could have ever made, because from our first date until now James has brought nothing but laughs, smiles and pure happiness into my life. His personality and demeanor made me feel alive again. My attitude changed, personal goals and overall moral. He supported me and pushed me to finally take the steps I needed to resolve the issues I had been facing for once and for all. I am a huge believer in personal growth and self advocacy, but I will never be able to find the words to say how much I love and appreciate every bit of sunshine and happiness James has brought into my life. The door to my past has finally been sealed for good and I am now in a place where I am enthusiastic to see the bright future ahead.
First let me say I’m so sorry that happened to you, I BELIEVE YOU! If you haven’t ever seen a therapist it would probably help and maybe one day you could share your story in high schools or college campuses to help other young women. Either way just know you’re a survivor and have nothing to feel guilty about!
This is my story. I was scared to post it, so they did it anonymously. Thank you for believing me. Very few people did for the last 8 years. My family is very judgemental and I know they wouldn't believe me.
@brittanyb don’t ever be ashamed for something you had no control over. I believe you because it happened to me almost the same way. It’s very hard for me trust anyone now because of it. Stay strong, you got this.
@l.m.ocampo08 I appreciate you
I had to reply to you... i really hope more people do too.. first of all this is so brave if you go post. The fact you accepted what happened and even shared with a few people was brave also. I a sorry you had to / still are going through this. I believe you... and just because it took your boyfriend at the time ages to believe / understand you doesn’t mean everyone will be the same. I’m glad you’ve shared your story it will help you heal... will telling your parents help you more? because youre their child and if this is important to you it’s imporant to them. Would you want your child to tell you? Even if it’s been over 10 years its still effecting you. ❤️
I had no choice to accept that it happened. I couldn't let it define me and hang over me like a dark cloud. The most disappointing thing was that nobody believed me. My boyfriend at the time had his doubts, so that was rough. But just having this be posted and seeing the support is therapeutic. I don't think telling my parents will help more. I think because I'm the only girl, it would be harder for me. Unless it were to somehow come up in conversation...I wouldn't start that conversation. I keep a lot of my younger life from them because disappointment still hurts...even though I'm mid-twenties now. I would 100% want my child to tell me; even if I hadn't gone through it. I just never had a relationship with my parents that way.
Love and hugs 😚
Right back at you