I guess i'll start this off by saying - this is a big deal for me. But, I am hoping this is an even bigger deal for some one else. By that, I mean, I hope that someone reads this with either intent or maybe.. in passing and gives them as sense of strength. I've spent way too many of my "adult" years feeling scared, responsible, and guilty of a situation that I cannot take even one ounce of blame for.
I thought that I had it all figured out. I was always the independent one. I never listened to anyone, but cared for everyone. I'm sure a lot of people know that feeling. I came out to my parents when I was 19. After having a boyfriend for a total of 5 years, what a total shock that was, huh? I was liberated, although, it was the hardest thing that I had to do, I did it.
I struggled to find myself within the gay community, but on the upwards of 21, I started to figure it out. Now, now, I can go to bars - talk to girls. I can drink and dance my ass off. How amazing it is to be 21. I was living the life, going out every Friday, meeting new girls, and really coming into my own. I had a great group of friends and we were all so full of life.
My Summer of 21 barely kicked off when tragedy struck. We were in Sea Isle, NJ soaking up the sun and booze, we were happy and felt like we owned the place. We were staying at a house a couple of blocks from all of the bars and the beach. The rental carried us to a Wednesday, right before 4th of July. We were having so much that we didn't want to leave.
Earlier that day on Wednesday, I had met up with my cousin who had invited me to watch a softball game that her boyfriend (my former softball coach and HS Counselor) was playing in. Each year a couple of the bards on the strip play against each other each year, her boyfriend was a bartender at one of the bars along with his older brother. Keep in mind that I just said older, it's important for later.
After the game, she had invited me to come get lunch and a drink with them. No problem right? Looking back on it, I should've just said no and went home.
We ate, drank, and laughed. We moved from one bar to the next. We only drank a little bit, because she had to go to work that same night. While at our last destination, the bar where her boyfriend, his brother, and she worked, my friend had met us for one more round. This is the same friend that I was staying with in the rental house.
I've known her practically my whole life. We did everything together, shared everything together. We had really great times and we ere living happiest life that we knew how.
Until later that day.
We both expressed that we weren't ready to go home and wanted to say to go out later that night. My cousin had offered up her house where she lived with her boyfriend and his brother. We both agreed that it would be fine and we would head back with them so we could get ready.
They left a little bit before we did, because we wanted to finish our last drink. When we were ready to leave. His brother walked my friend and I back to the house.
Once we arrived, My cousin and her boyfriend had taken a nap so they could rest up for their shift at the bar.
My friend and I decided that we were going to start getting ready to go out.
To save time we both hopped in the shower together. Nothing about that was weird to us. We showered back to back, passing the shampoo and conditioner to one another.
Next thing we know. The bathroom door swings open and we looked at each other completely puzzled, like "HELLO"?!
Then, the shower curtain is ripped open. The one image that stick with me to this day is him standing there. Naked. Proud.
My friend became worrisome and left the bathroom.
I, myself, i was frozen in disbelief. I felt like I couldn't move. I was paralyzed.
The shock that over came me is a feeling that I will never forget.
Once my friend closed that bathroom door. My life was never the same.
He entered the shower with me not saying a word. He started touching me and I was shook.
The only words that could come out of my mouth were " I'm gay" - "I don't do this"
His response " Could've fooled me" and proceeded to touch me. I just started shaking, my voice became muted.
I remember just repeating " I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay" , I remember my throat hurting me, because I was trying to keep myself from crying while saying this over and over again. He then said " That's not what I heard"
He started trying to "stick it in me" from behind, but I was too tense.
He grabbed my fisted hands and put them up against the wall with his pressed over top of my.
He aggressively said to "You better act like you like it, or else"
I don't know how long i was in that bathroom for, but all i know is I prayed for it to end.
He kept telling me what to do and holding me down.
When I thought it was over, I just stood there. He handed me a towel and I couldn't even wrap myself in it. I just stood there.
He turned his back towards me and made motion to go to the door, i thought he was finally leaving. I covered myself with the towel.
I thought it was over. I needed it to be over. he took a few steps towards the door and I remember feeling relieved.
and then it happened. again.
He turned back around and grabbed my face with both of his hands. The look on his face was so terrifying. It was almost like he wanted to kill me.
He squeezed my face so hard in an upward motion that it felt like my head was coming off of my neck.
He pressed his forehead hard on to mine and pushed me backwards. Never taking his skin off of mine .
He pushed me back towards the vanity and once I got there he didn't stop pushing me back.
The counter was digging into my lower back, all i was concerned with was holding onto my towel. " Don't let it drop" I said to myself while scrunching my eyes. Keeping them shut tight. I couldn't look at him, i was terrified. I was scared he was going to indefinitely hurt me.
His hands finally left my face. Once they did, he squatted down and wrapped his arms around my legs. he picked me up and slammed me down on the counter of the sink. He ripped my towel off and said you never let me finish. He was happening, again. This time it hurt more than ever. I cried silently in pain.
When he was done, he came on the hand towel that was on the sink. Grabbed the back of my neck and kissed my forehead. He said "Thanks"
Walked out and left me sitting on counter.
I blamed myself for so long. I blamed myself for being gay.
I thought this was my punishment.
He was 39, I was 21.
I'm lucky, isn't that crazy? That it could've been so much worse than that, I feel lucky?
So many girls have it so much worse than I did, some, not alive.
Here I am, 28 almost 29. Facing my demons.
For so many years, I suppressed it. It all came to a head last year. Something just triggered the memory for me and I lost it.
I finally told my parents. What a feeling that was. I felt relieved, but at the same time; so ashamed.
We found therapist and I've been to her for over a year now. I'm not 100% by any means, but it's easier.
I can talk about it without hyperventilating. The nightmares stopped, for now. I'm helping myself.
I'm becoming the woman that I always knew I could be. It's hard. It's really, fucking, hard.
But, I am here for a reason. I want to spend my word. I want to help others who feel exactly how I felt.
It's something that I will never forget, but my situation lead me here to your page.
I've learned that this situation doesn't define you, it builds you.