"My parents were divorced when I was very young. My father never wanted my brother and I and he made that very apparent. He always put his girlfriends before us and what not. When I was 16 he was with a woman who is now my step mother and she had kids so he pretended to be a father figure to impress her. We went on vacation as a blended family to an island and while we were there my father (who has his own business) met a man who was interested in his business and wantes to invest. The man was 24 and wanted to take me out to dinner. I pleaded with my father to not make me go, my brother pleaded with him to at least not let me go alone. He didn’t care. All he saw were dollar signs. So I went to dinner with him and the long and short of it all... I lost my virginity that night but it was not by choice. He brutally raped me over and over for what seemed like an eternity. The trauma I endured that night haunts me to this day. Sometimes I get horrid flash backs and night terrors. It’s something that I’m still working on... something that I don’t think I’ll ever get over.
Because of the way I lost my virginity I had a very screwed up mentality when it came to sex in general. I was in a plethera of terrible relationships, I was engaged at 20 to a verbally, mentally, and physically abusive man who ended up cheating on me. I was so emotionally attached to him because he “loved me” and I had been told all my life that I was too much, too broken, too fat, too loud, or too messed up for anyone to love me. I felt like I needed him to breathe. I felt like without him I was nothing and no one would ever want me like he did. I was his punching bag in every sense of the phrase you can imagine. I didn’t think that I would ever recover.
I met my now fiancé at 23 and he changed my life forever. He showed me what it is to be loved... like actually unconditionally loved. He saved me in more ways than he will ever understand and I will never be able to thank him enough for it. We’ve been engaged for a little over a year... we are getting married this year and I can not wait! All I’ve ever wanted is to be a wife and mother... that’s what I know I was put on this earth to do. I want to have children with a fierceness that I just can’t explain.
Due to the traumatic event that was losing my virginity I have had some major complications, some of which lead me to believe that I may not ever be able to have my own children. The past two years have been devastating because I have had two miscarriages. My anxiety and depression spiked to an all time high... to the point where I didn’t know if I had a purpose on this earth anymore. Thank the stars for my amazing friends, family, and fiancé who truly dug me out of a pit of despair. I know now that I will have children whether that means naturally, adoption, or with help from fertility specialists. For now I am fortunate enough to be a nanny for an amazing little boy who I have watched grow for most of his life and I love like he is my very own. "