Id like the start off by saying by no means am i a writer nor do i tell story's that great. Especially mine. Id say i had a pretty good childhood growing up. I had 3 older sisters two great parents who worked there butt's off for us girls. We didn't have much but had everything we needed. i grew up in Washington, NJ until third grade i moved to Belvidere,NJ. Third grade will always be my favorite grade. Then 4th grade came along and i hated everything about it. it started in art class, where a teacher had me stand up in front of the entire class to talk about what not the wear. That day i wore a black and white shirt that maybe showed a peep of skin, and a black long skirt. i was mortified that she had taking the time to bring me up in front of the entire class to yell at me for my outfit that she thought was "too revealing". i was already a shy kid to begin with. Then the real big nightmare began, when i was best friends with a girl, we'll name her "P". We were always hanging out and having a great time. until one day i go into school and the teacher pulls me aside to ask me about something she heard going around the school. i was so confused because i had no idea what was going on. The teacher then proceeds to tell me that "P" went and told people i made her touch my privates this all happened in 4th grade, i had no idea what sex was or even know anything about sexual stuff. i just knew that your private parts were private. i was beyond confused, embarrassed and furious. how could my best friend make up such a lie? i walked around school with people asking me about it. of course it wasn't true! but no one believed me. Weeks go by and the truth comes out, "P" tells everyone the truth. her excuse was she wanted to have more friends and wanted attention. Still even after telling the truth everyone looked at me differently. i wasn't a very popular kid to begin with i didn't have the clothes, looks and whatever else comes with being "popular". That incident would haunt me for a very long time. and so would anyone else's opinion about me. Fast forward to 7th grade, i moved back to Washington. I was excited because no one knew me or the horror i experienced back in 4th grade. It was a new start for me. i made friends, i still wasn't popular tho. I didn't mind it! Freshman year comes around. I had some friends but mostly stuck with my sister and her friends because now i was in high school. She was only a grade above me. Then i met this boy not long after, things were great but because i wouldn't give in to having sex with him, he dumped me. I was upset but i got over it quick. Summer of 2006 i believe it was i reconnected with a friend from growing up. She had asked me if i wanted to spend the week at Seaside with her and her family. Absolutely i was going to say yes! That week was great! Met her cousin we had a little fling going on. Not long after i met "the one"..well what i thought was the one. We'll call him my first love. He was actually the cousin of my best friend. Christmas day he asked me to be his gf. Of course i said yes! A couple months into our relationship we had sex, i was a virgin and he was not. We had a great time together, we used to party it up in his back shed on the weekends with friends. Summer roles around, we make our yearly trip to seaside. At this point we were a little rocky but still together. That's when we found out i was pregnant. At the age of 16 i didn't know how to feel i was a little nervous, scared but deep down i was kind of excited. That week i spent it alone in the room while he partied with friends. I ate alone, i shopped alone and i even walked around the boardwalk alone. The next week i build enough courage to tell my mom i was pregnant. She bawled of course. Me and "prince charming" were still rocky. He manipulated me into thinking that if i got an abortion we could be together forever. So of course i did it. It killed me deep down inside but i never showed it nor did i ever tell anyone, until now. It was the hardest decision i ever had to make. But when your in love with someone who manipulates you, you do anything to make them happy. October 2007, he was invited to a Halloween party. Yes i did just say "he" not us just him. I didn't understand why just him. I was his gf we did everything together. Eventually i was invited. The night of the Halloween party was the worst night of my life. It was out in the middle of no where in a barn. That night lead to me being alone at 4-5 am, and i mean absolutely alone. Prince charming had left me at this barn and everyone else went home. He left with friends. Back then i had no cell phone, no drivers license. I was alone and no way of getting a hold of someone to come pick me up. Why was i left and not brought with? I had gone out to his truck for something and when i came back they had cleared out. Eventually i walked down the kids house whose party it was and knocked on the door, where his dad answered. I made it safely to his house where he was no where to be found. Well that was the end of us. Heartbreak like nothing before. That's when my secret binge drinking began. I would take shots by myself until i passed out. December 2007, the year and month my grandfather passed away. I still remember the day like it was yesterday i was working a night shift as a waitress, when a friend of his came in to get me. I asked "oh whats everyone over there having a party?" she said not exactly. I still didn't think anything of it, until i walked through the door and saw everyone. I knew something wasn't right. I made my way through the crowd into the kitchen. That's when they told me the news. This was my first big loss, so i took it very hard. Viewing day, my sisters had prepared a speech one which they didn't have the guts to get up there and say it. So i made the choice to. That day i had no one but myself, my sisters had there boyfriends. I had myself. Looking back that's probably what makes me a stronger person today. That was was the best and worst year of my life. I had quite school 3 days into my sophomore year. I didn't wanna be around anyone i wanted to sleep in and drink away at night. Now am 18, have a new job, met a new friend. I decided i wanted to move out on my own. This was a big deal ESP because i was a total daddy's girl. It crushed him when i moved out. Being the rebel i thought i was i wanted to move out and never look back. I got my first tattoo, i had no rules. A few months later i moved back home. Couple flings here and there, But nothing could compare the heart break from "prince charming." I still loved him even tho he hurt me so much. Now its New Years 2010, that's when i fell for my husband. I had known him for quite some time but we never got the chance to talk. Hes older by a few years. It was different with him i was a little weary but he made me fall for him. I trusted him with my whole heart. 3 months into our relationship i got pregnant, with my now 8 year old handsome son. I told mom over Facebook messenger because i was too nervous to face her. 9 months pass and the first ever boy in our family is born. He was/ still is spoiled! Things were a little rocky with my, back then boyfriend. We moved out and into our own apartment when my first son was around 1 year. We had a rough time during that year in our apartment. Trust was broken, and it killed me because this was the man who i broke down my walls for. He couldn't have hurt me. i decided that everyone deserves a second chance. Year 2014 i found out i was pregnant with my 2nd son. we were beyond excited. June 18, 2015 is the day that made me fall in love all over again. This pregnancy was different then the first. I was worried i wouldn't love this baby as much i did my first son. Now my love is equal. They both have my heart in very different ways. That year is when i started to loose myself. I went out to the bar every weekend, stayed out till 5-6 in the morning while my husband and kids were at home. August 20 2016 our wedding day. Greatest day in my life! Besides not having the stretch hummer limo i dreamed of since i was a little girl, everything was perfect! That day came and went as fast as it arrived. Our marriage was just like any other person who is semi-normal, we had our ups and downs but mostly ups. Summer of 2018 was the summer we moved into our new home. It was everything we ever wanted, a big yard, great neighborhood, but something inside me was hiding and i didn't know what it was. I felt i had two lives, the homebody and the party girl who wanted to be out partying with her friends. I still went out to the bar every Friday drinking with friends, but something inside me still wasn't happy. At this point nothing filled my empty void. Why wasn't i happy? I had a husband and kids at home, who loved me with everything inside me. August came around it changed my whole life around. My husband and I separated for about a month. It tore me from the inside out leaving my kids everyday and not being with them 24/7 like usual. That is when i decided it was time for me to get help. I was tired of wondering why i was feeling this way. I missed my family more then anything in the world. That is when i was diagnosed with bipolar depression. Never did i think that i had that nor did i want to tell people i had this feeling inside me. I hid it from the world, and i mean EVERYONE including my own husband. I was ashamed to let people know the real me. After i got help my husband and I talked and i moved back home and proved myself 110%. I discussed with him what depression was like. He tried to understand but when your not living it, its hard to get. I was the happiest person on the outside but on the inside i was a black deep hole of nothing. I felt nothing and i had no passion in me. Was it all coming from my past? Was it post par-tum from my second son? I wasn't sure but i knew i had to do something because the darkness was taking over me. And from this day forward i have learned to talk to people and cope with my depression. I no longer keep it held inside anymore. I am finally the mom and wife i have always wanted to be. Sure i have my days, but i know i have a great support team behind me, a husband and kids who love me more then life its self. I have thought for days about writing my story if i wanted to let the world know or not. But if i can help someone even just one person, my heart would be happy. I guess the point to this whole thing is that it doesn't rain forever, i was at my lowest point and i made it through with a little bit of faith that i had left. thank you to those who helped me along the way. And i am always open to anyone who just needs to talk. Someone, somewhere is ALWAYS listening even when you don't think they are. Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain. But you cant have a rainbow without a little rain.
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